Remember Who You Are

Not Lovable

2012-02-06T06:46:00.000-08:00

This morning I saw a story on the news about a gorgeous and successful actress who has been hospitalized for depression and anorexia. The news reporter was perplexed. How can someone who "has it all" fall into such despair?

What haunts me from that interview is this quote by the actress from a recent interview:

“I would say what scares me is that I’m going to ultimately find out at the end of my life that I’m really not lovable, that I’m not worthy of being loved. That there’s something fundamentally wrong with me… that I wasn’t wanted here in the first place.”

That should seriously disturb those of us who are aware of the love of Christ for every person.

"And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God's love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow - not even the powers of hell can separate us from God's love. No power in the sky above or in the earth below - indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord."
Romans 8:38-39

I wonder if there are people I pass everyday who feel the same way she does, who just don't know how immensely they are loved and wanted. Why do they feel separated from love? Is it because no one has told them? Is it because no one has shown them that they can be loved unconditionally just as they are?

I'm praying that this beautiful women will discover God's eternal love for her. But I'm also praying that I won't grow cold and unaware of desperate people who need a glimpse of a Christ whose love drove Him to give His very life for them.

I cannot become so content and comfortable in my own sense of God's love for ME that I forget that there are those who do not yet know. And most of them will never walk through the doors of the church, I will have to show them in their world, right where they are.

My son, Brian, recently said to me, "Mom, I don't think Jesus came all this way and went all the way to death so that we could be comfortable."

May we be uncomfortable as long as one person feels unlovable and unwanted!!

Angela

Up Against a Wall

2012-02-01T09:31:00.000-08:00

I like to write when I am on the other side of a time I needed to see God be faithful and He came through! Today I'm writing in the middle of needing to see God's provision and help.

My Michael's behavior has spun out of control and yesterday I spent most of the day restraining him, talking to doctors, attempting to give him some kind of peace. The docs think it's neurological and we've started meds that should get him to the other side.

What I'm writing about today is being up against a wall, at the end of your own strength, unable to come up with the answers and falling before God and placing all of your hope in Him.

In 2 Chronicles 20 King Jehoshaphat also found himself in that place. He was told that "a vast army" was coming against him and he knew he could not fight them and win. The Bible says, "Jehoshaphat was terrified by this news and begged the Lord for guidance."

So instead of quickly gathering the troops and weapons and scheming with officers, he called the people together and fell before the Lord and fasted and prayed. His prayer is beautiful.

First he remember who God is. Then he remembered all that God had done for them in the past. He then presented God with the crisis at hand and said, "We have no power to face this vast army that is attacking us. We do not know what to do, but our eyes are upon you."

The Spirit of the Lord then spoke through a guy named Jahaziel and he said, "Do not be afraid or discouraged because of this vast army. For the battle is not yours, but God's."

And then amazing things happened and God came through in HUGE ways. Read it!

So I don't know if you've ever been in a place where you look at the challenge or crisis at hand and say, "I think this thing just might kill me!" But if you have, you are in good company. Jehoshaphat and I have been there too. And in the past I, as he, found God to be faithful and able to do what I cannot.

May the God who fights your battles be very near and huge in your life today. And may you find peace in remembering who He is and laying it all at His feet as you place your eyes upon Him!!

Pressing On
Angela

Listen

2012-01-25T06:26:00.000-08:00

“She had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord’s feet listening to what he said. But Martha was distracted by all the preparations that had to be made.”

“’Martha, Martha,’ the Lord answered, ‘you are worried and upset about many things, but only one thing is needed. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her.’”

Luke 10:39-40a, 41-42

I have been upset and worried about many things lately. I’m not sure why I keep waiting for the day when I have nothing to be worried and upset about, or a day when there aren’t preparations that have to be made. I can relate to Martha.

But Jesus didn’t seem bothered that Martha was busy or getting things done. The words that stuck out to me as I read this morning were: listening and distracted.

Mary was listening and Martha was distracted. Jesus didn’t address the fact that one was sitting and one was preparing. He seems more concerned about that fact that Martha was worried and upset and distracted and Mary was peaceful and paying attention to what he was saying.
I try to have a regular quiet time. But I’ll be honest, it doesn’t happen every day! I can’t always pause life to sit quietly to listen.

But I CAN listen. I can determine not to let what worries me DISTRACT me from who my Savior is and the peace and wisdom he gives in the midst of all of my preparations. Today as I do what the day presents to me, I am going to try to listen. I’ll listen as I cook, as I drive, as I clean, as I answer emails, as I wait to see doctors with my son, etc.

And the peace and strength he gives as I listen cannot be taken away from me.

Let’s face it, laundry and dishes have to be done, little runny noses have to be wiped, appointments have to be kept, work has to be done! But in it all there is a Savior who is nearer than our next breath and longs to give perspective and peace!

The question is: Are we listening?

Angela

For Jen !!

2012-01-12T07:28:00.000-08:00

"Samuel then took a large stone and placed it between the towns of Mizpah and Jeshanah. He named it Ebenezer (which means "the stone of help"), for he said, 'Up to this point the Lord has helped us!'" 1 Samuel 7:12

As the holidays approached this year, I felt especially exhausted and down. I finally wrote out all that happened in 2011 and I understood why! We had a year packed with actvity; challenges and celebrations.

It is easy for me to get focused on the challenges in my life. It may be more accurate to say that I even panic at times. In the Old Testament, God often had His people hit the pause button on life, stop and REMEMBER. They would stand before the next challenge, often something that they knew might wipe them out, and remember how God had been faithful to them in the past. Remembering gave them faith and hope for what they were facing. They remembered who their God was and how He had provided for them before.

I keep a little stone on my desk. It's my "Ebenezer stone". It reminds me that up to this day, God has been faithful to me. I have absolutely no right to panic and carry on as if God didn't have me in the palm of His hand and will continue to be faithful to me, just has He has in the past!

2012 looks it could hold many challenges; things that without God's help could overwhelm us! But I'm pausing and remembering all that He has done for us in the past and celebrating that "up to this point the Lord has helped us".

I pray that you too will be aware of His faithfulness to you and will remember all that He has done for you! I pray that remembering will give you peace and hope, regardless of the challenges that come your way!

Happy New Year!

Angela

ps...my friend Jen is now going to remind me every Thursday to update my blog!! Thanks Jen!

I Get It!

2011-10-04T11:22:00.000-07:00

Psalm 68:6
God places the lonely in families; he sets the prisoners free and gives them joy.

I don’t know about you, but I don’t feel like I often “get” what God’s up to. Most of the time I am choosing to trust Him in spite of not really understanding. Many times I “think” I know, only to get to a point and realize that He was up to something totally different than I thought!

Yesterday was one of those few times where we got a glimpse and really understood for a moment what He was doing…..and it was GOOD!

I first saw Marida when she was walking down the street with her mom near the house we had just moved into. I’m not sure what happened as I sat at the stop sign and watched them walk, but something happened. I felt drawn to her and said to the Lord, “please send people to love that sweet young lady.” I knew nothing about her life, but felt connected to her instantly and could feel that she must have pain in her life. Melissa felt it too. She was in the car with me and as we sat there for that minute or so, she said, “Mom, what do we do?” We decided to pray for this girl and her mom, so as we drove away Melissa prayed out loud for them.

A few weeks later I went to the hospital because a nurse called the church and asked for someone to visit this family. I walked into the room and there was Marida, only this time her mom was in a hospital bed fighting for her life.

When her mom died a few weeks later, Marida was all alone in the world. We started doing as much as she’d let us do for her; laundry, a meal here and there, she started going to church with us, etc. Finally the day came when she moved in and she instantly became part of our family.

In the 2 years since then, Marida has graduated from high school with honors, been accepted to a 6 year medical school, gotten severe scoliosis corrected (which included 12 weeks in the hospital and 2 major surgeries), started college, and grown in her faith. We feel like we have been privileged to have a front row seat to see God working in her life!

Yesterday we stood before a judge and she changed her name to Marida Beise! As I thought back to that day when she was walking down the street with her mom, I realized that God answered my prayer. Our entire extended family adores her and loves her as if she’d been one of ours all along.

When I prayed that prayer, I had no idea that God would allow us to love her and to be loved and blessed by her!

Truth

2011-08-17T12:05:00.000-07:00

A couple of weeks ago I was meeting with the Director of the new Autistic Center in Cape. She worked for years in the public school with students like Michael. She is a wealth of information and experience. We were talking about what services he needs and what need to happen for him to move forward, especially in the areas of communication and behavioral management.

I finally got honest and said, "Connie, is there hope that Michael will communicate and learn to control his behavior or is it too late?" That started a great conversation between us, and I learned that she's a pastor's wife. Our conversation when to a deeper level. I explained that I have a lot of guilt for taking Michael to France, because he lost so many years and would be farther along in those areas if he had been here. I can't tell you how many times I've heard, "If only we had gotten him younger..."

The ugly truth for me is, that for all the good we did in France, for all the lives we saw changed, for the good that was done, if it leaves my son locked inside of himself then it wasn't worth it to me. If the sacrifice was Michael's development, leaving my other children with a heavier burden once I'm gone, Michael not becoming all he could have been...that's just too high a price for me.

She leaned forward and said, "You know it's not all about you right?" I said, "Of course." Then she said, "But do you know that it's not all about Michael? It really is all about Christ. You paid a price for the call to go, your other kids did, and Michael did too. But it's ok because it's not about Michael." Then I sobbed!

The 2 weeks since that meeting, I've done some real soul searching and tried to listen carefully to God on this, tried to lay my heart bare before Him and let Him press on some tender places. Here's what has come from that...so far:

First of all, I am more grateful than ever that He was will to sacrifice HIS son for me...the price was not too high for Him!

The passage I've readover and over is Isaiah 49:1-4. It ends with, "My reward is with my God."

The hard truth is that MICHAEL'S reward is with God, and I may not see it on this side of heaven. I need to be ok with that and not hold an offecse against God or try to dictate to Him what Michael's reward should be. Michael may not reach the development goals that I hope he will, and the burden may be heavy for my kids when I die. I pray for miracles everyday, and I know we will see some. But ultimately it is all in God's hands and He WILL reward.

The other truth is that He IS the reward. And that, at the end of the day, is enough. I get HIM, Michael gets HIM, Jim gets HIM, whatever my kids carry later...they get HIM.

And He is enough!

It takes a lot of work for me to stay in that place, to stay eternally minded. My Michael won't be "disabled or handicapped" in heaven. And I cannot wait to hear his voice.

I may even have to wait to hear his heart. I long to know his dreams, his favorite color, his fears, his thoughts, share in his relationship with Christ. But I may have to wait.....

MOST days I'm ok with that....some days a dark cloud overtakes me and I long to know my son better and I fight not to be offended with God.

Today I'm glad we said yes to God's call. I would do it all over again. I deeply love and miss the people we left behind there. I'm especially glad that God could see beyond my limited vision.

Living Between Joy and Grief

2010-11-29T06:50:00.000-08:00

The Christmas Season is officially here!

If you are like me, you spent last week acutely aware of all that you have to be thankful for. I am amazingly and abundantly blessed, way beyond what I deserve.

So...why the knot in my stomach this morning? Why the sadness? How can joy and gratitude be so mixed with grief and sadness?

Christmas is a time of joy. We remember and celebrate the Messiah who came to rescue us. He was not content to leave us as we were. He did what it took to leave His Holy Spirit for our ongoing healing and restoration.

He is a perfect Savior.

But we still live in a broken world, we still live with loss, regret, broken relationships, sickness, and pain.

For me Christmas is a reminder that my boy is not all that I hoped he would be, maybe all that he should have been. I have a teenager living in my home who lost her mom and was left all alone in the world. I got a call from a friend this morning who is overwhelmed today by the loss her divorce caused in her life. I heard from another friend who re-grieves her family's loss when her 5 year niece died of brain cancer. The holidays are a reminder that we are deeply loved by our God, but also a reminder that all is not as it should be here.

Maybe I have my Michael to keep me connected to that truth. In him I experience grief and loss, I feel unequipped and inadequate, my patience is tested and I fail as often as I succeed. In him I experience God's grace and provision in a way I never knew was possible. In him I experience joy and gratitude with every smile and small achievement.

I am aware every minute of every day that I desperately need a Savior. I'm aware that He is enough and provides all that I need.

So I'll carry on, living in this place between amazing joy and unbelievable grief. I know His grace is enough. And I know a perfect eternity waits for all of us where there will be no more tears, no more bad news, no more sickness, no more pain, no more weakness, no more loss, no more handicap.

But the angel said to them, “Do not be afraid. I bring you good news that will cause great joy for all the people. Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is the Messiah, the Lord. Luke 2:10-22

The good news is this: A Savior came for us who knows all and understands all. This give me great peace!

May you experience the hope and love of Jesus where you are, as you are this holiday season!

Offended with God?

2010-11-04T14:36:00.000-07:00

My friend, Heather, got radically saved when she was 17 years old. She got married at 19 and she and her husband went into full-time ministry with Youth With A Mission. Soon after she had her second baby, her husband was diagnosed with cancer. When she was 23 her husband lost his battle with cancer. Her children were 2 years and 6 months old.

This past week was the 5 year anniversary of his death. Heather wrote out some of her thoughts. I have to tell you that the depth of her faith and walk with the Lord humbles and challenges me! Here’s a portion of what she wrote:

“Losing Seth challenged every proclamation in faith I had made, every cry for brokenness, every promise for steadfastness. Because in the face of any trial the enemy whispers accusations against who God is, trying to get us offended. Why do we think that just because we get hurt that we all the sudden have rights to take over our life again? Probably because we are human and whether we are aware of it or not we have boundaries to our surrenderdedness. And God, because of His great mercy and love, allows those boundaries to be exposed at the risk of losing us in order that He might free us to love and to receive His love."

"In the face of any trial the enemy whispers accusations against who God is, trying to get us offended." When I read that I thought, “Wow, I’ve been there”. It’s true, I’ve allowed the enemy to accuse God and cause me to become offended with Him.

A couple of days later Michael's behavior got out of control. Normally when his behavior gets out of control it means something hurts, really hurts. Since he doesn't talk, we start playing a guessing game as to what hurts. It can literally be from his head to his messed up feet. In short, I had a very hard week. We have determined that it's his ears, and we're on the road to a solution.

Yesterday I read Heather’s words again. This time I thought, “Wow, I’m there still”. How easy I regress and let my guard down and allow my heart to question Him again.

“When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. For I am the Lord, your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior” from Isaiah 43

He never said I would not find myself in the fire or in rough waters, afraid they might sweep over me. He did promise that He would be with me in the fire and that I would not burn up or go under!

I'm not sure why I keep waiting for life to get easy and become discontent with the simple fact that He is with me. The enemy certainly knows when to step up and accuse Him.

Thank you, Heather, for the reminder that He is good, He is enough and He is faithful!

Insomnia

2010-09-07T09:41:00.001-07:00

My church just finished a series called Insomnia: What Keeps You Up At Night.

I starting thinking about what robs me of sleep. For years it was the fact that I had a baby or a son with special needs. But today it is more often my own anxiety or fear that keeps me awake.

So what keeps you up at night? I know that my issues are all around my inability to truly trust God; to trust Him with the future, with my failures, with my children and husband, with all that I deeply care about. The crazy thing is that I have absolutely no right not to trust Him. I know from experience that He is faithful. I'm encouraged by this story about the Israelites:

1 Samuel 7:7-12 (New Living Translation)

When the Philistine rulers heard that Israel had gathered at Mizpah, they mobilized their army and advanced. The Israelites were badly frightened when they learned that the Philistines were approaching.

“Don’t stop pleading with the Lord our God to save us from the Philistines!” they begged Samuel.

So Samuel took a young lamb and offered it to the Lord as a whole burnt offering. He pleaded with the Lord to help Israel, and the Lord answered him. 10 Just as Samuel was sacrificing the burnt offering, the Philistines arrived to attack Israel. But the Lord spoke with a mighty voice of thunder from heaven that day, and the Philistines were thrown into such confusion that the Israelites defeated them.

The men of Israel chased them from Mizpah to a place below Beth-car, slaughtering them all along the way.

Samuel then took a large stone and placed it between the towns of Mizpah and Jeshanah. He named it Ebenezer (which means “the stone of help”), for he said, “Up to this point the Lord has helped us!”

You have probably been, and may even now be, in a situation where you too were badly frightened at what was approaching and you pleaded with the Lord to save you.

I have been there. And I can say, like Samuel did that day, that up to this point the Lord has helped me.

That gives me hope and courage for the future, even as the next unsettling thing approaches.

Sleep Well

Be Extraordinary

2010-08-17T13:17:00.000-07:00

Christine Caine is a dynamic young woman who has decided to make a difference in her world. God is using her all over the world to raise awareness about human trafficking and to be a part of rescuing women from hopeless lives of slavery. Her life is inspiring.

I heard her speak a couple of weeks ago and one thing she said has stayed with me. As people look to her to know how to make a difference themselves in the world, she says,
"Your burning bush will find you. You may be tending your father-in-law's sheep in the desert when it does! Be faithful where you are."

So many times we look for the extraordinary task. We dream about how God could use us and the huge difference we could make in the world. But so often what God is asking us to do is the task at hand. He asks us to be faithful where we are, to meet the needs of those who are right in front of us, to love hurting people among us, to be His hands and feet here and now.

Amazingly, the ordinary becomes extraordinary when we dare to love and serve where we are.

In Matthew 25 Jesus told a parable about a master who gave his servants tasks. Upon returning to see what they had done with the opportunity he had given them, the master had these words to say to 2 of the servants:

"His master replied, 'Well done, good and faithful servant! You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things. Come and share your master's happiness!"
verse 21

When Michael was a baby I found myself feeling useless and lost. I was in France and always at home with a child with special needs. For 3 years we couldn't find a school for him, since they were all full. During that time, God taught me a lesson that I hope I never forget. In the midst of feeling useless and wishing God would provide a school for Michael so that I could serve Him and make a difference, He spoke to me. Basically what He whispered to my heart was, "Serve me by caring for and loving the little boy I have you with all day long. Do that with joy and thanksgiving."

What I realized is that we want to serve God, but we don't necessarily want Him to choose the task. True obedience is when we make ourselves available to Him and obey with our whole hearts! So often obedience doesn't look like we think it will. Usually it means doing the thing that is right in front of you!

I pray that we will be found faithful where we are with the task at hand, that we will not be blind to the needs around us as we look for bigger tasks.

May we be found faithful!

Runner

2010-07-14T12:16:00.000-07:00

Well it finally happened; one of my children was brought home in a police car! And wearing a speedo, no less....a speedo that was too small!!

Jim and I began our lives as the parents of a child with special needs without a clue as to what that was going to mean for our lives. Like so many others before us, we have done the best we could from day and day and tried to put up safeguards as we've made mistakes and learned.

We've found Michael sitting in the kitchen covered from head to toe with white flour in a very white kitchen, empty bag in hand. Another time it was with an empty bag of powdered chocolate in a very brown kitchen. My friend, Kim, was with me and she quietly put her hand on my shoulder and said, "This will be funny one day."

We met most of our neighbors in Paris as each one of them found Michael in their house and brought him home....oops, talk about a "faux pas".

Through the years we've found him; on the roof of the house, sitting in the toilet splashing around like it was a wade pool, in a swimming pool during a lightening storm, hanging (literally hanging) outside of our 2nd floor window, with a flat razor blade in his mouth, well, you get the picture.

Michael is what the therpists call, a "runner". Given the chance he will head out the door and down the street without looking back. We've put deadbolts that lock with a key on every door in the house. Unfortunately I forgot to lock it when I got home on Monday night. Michael was in the room next to us and kept running in and out of our room, and then he was gone. By the time I called 911, the police had already been called by someone who found him wandering around the park (just 2 blocks from our house, but across a busy street).

So, up pulls a police car with my son in the backseat. He was actually enjoying the ride and didn't seem distressed at all to have been picked up by the police. That is, not until they opened the door and he saw me. Then he let out a groan that told us all that he was not happy to see me. He doesn't talk, but I can usually tell what he's trying to communicate. This groan was, "How do they always find HER?" The policemen were very gracious and kind, by the way.

Once we got him inside and got our heart rates down, I tried to explain to him that at 15 he probably shouldn't run around the neighborhood in a speedo. I'm not sure he gets it!

So what do you do but learn a lesson one more time, thank God for protecting him once again, and move on to the next thing!

Our precious boy keeps us on our toes, catches us off balance from time to time, and reminds us to roll with the punches!!

Hope you're week has been less eventful than mine!!

Anxiety

2010-06-17T07:51:00.000-07:00

When my children were pre-schoolers, I had them all in the van one day and my 4 year old said from the back of the van, "Mommy, does the Bible say not to worry?" I told her that it did, feeling very spiritual as I quoted: "Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you." 1 Peter 5:7

Then she said, "So does that mean that worrying is a sin?" That's when I stopped feeling so spiritual and realized that God had just used my 4 year old to point out my sin to me. I'm teaching a women's summer class and we're doing the book Respecatable Sins: Confronting the Sins we Tolerate. If you haven't read it, I strongly recommend it. But pull in your toes....he'll step all over them!

Today I'm reading about anxiety. Here I am, almost 20 years later, and I'm once again aware of my tendency to worry and my lack of trust in God to take care of me and the people I care about in every way.

God's timing is incredible. Michael is going through a very difficult time. Since school got out his behavioral issues have resurfaced and it seems that all of the progress he made this year has vanished. I have found myself feeling hopeless and wondering if we'll ever have him to a place of peace and being able to control himself. And selfishly I've wondered if I'll ever have a life that resembles normal at all! This chapter has been a very sweet reminder.

"Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:6-7

Don't worry about anything, tell God what you need, thank Him, then you will experience His peace.

I will experience His peace, not because He will do everything exactly the way I ask Him to in my prayers. But the asking and then thanking reminds me of how He has already been faithful to me and that I can trust Him to continue to be faithful.

I want the peace of God to guard my heart and my mind. But I have to choose to lay down my anxiety and trust that He is good and able to care for me!

My Portion

2010-05-12T10:18:00.000-07:00

Is Jesus enough for me? Is HE my portion?

Psalm 142:5 says: "I cry to you, O Lord; I say, "You are my refuge, my portion in the land of the living."

The New Living Translation says it like this: "Then I pray to you, O Lord. I say, "You are my place of refuge. You are all I really want in life"

I have been searching my heart and asking myself that question, "Is he really what I want in life?" Or do I really want to be safe and healthy and secure and blessed? Is He my ticket to those things? Do I come before Him and try to do enough so that He'll do what I ask Him to do? Do I come before Him to beg Him to fix things or give me things? Or do I want HIM? Is He really enough for me?

Chris Tomlin sings:

All of You is more than enough for all of me, for every thirst and every need.
You satisfy me with Your love and all I have in You is more than enough

Is His love satisfying me? Is all I have in Him more than enough for me?

I'm praying for Him to fill me so full of Himself that He really is enough for me...all that I need...all that I long for and run after.....then my heart won't be troubled by what is happening to me or around me. My hope will be fully set on Him. My faith will not be shaken.

Take me there, Lord.

Another Mary: He Knew Her Name

2010-04-17T07:21:00.001-07:00

One of the most touching words in the entire Bible to me is in the Easter story.

After Jesus was killed, Mary Magdalene (one whom Jesus had driven out 7 demons: Mark 16:9) went to the tomb. To say that Jesus had radically changed her life is surely an understatement. Can you imagine how she felt when He was killed, and all of her hope with Him. All she knew to do was to go to where He had been buried. I imagine she just needed to be close to Him.

She stood outside of his tomb crying when she realized that his body was not where it had been buried. Not only did she lose him, but she lost the ability to even grieve where his body had been laid. As she was crying, Jesus Himself came up and talked to her, but she didn't realize that it was Him.

She was carried away with grief, feeling hopeless and lost, until He said one word:

"Mary" John 20:16

When He said her name, she knew who He was, hope was restored and she ran to tell the disciples the very good news.

That one word changed everything for her; He called her by name. We can spend our lives knowing about Jesus, hearing about all He has done and all that He has done even for us. But life changes drastically when you hear Him call YOUR name.

As we live beyond Easter and the good news of "He is risen. He is alive." My prayer is that you would hear Him call you by name. I pray that, like Mary, you will experience all of the hope and life change that she did when she realized that He knew her and called her by name!

So Great a Salvation

2010-04-01T08:31:00.000-07:00

This week in a Lenten Reader that prepares us for Holy Week, I read this quote about Mary:

"Then there's Mary, standing there to the bitter end; the mother of God, who gave up her womb, her reputation and finally gives up the One for whom she gave it all."

She gives up the One for whom she gave it all. That hit me like a ton of bricks! So many times I feel like God has asked a lot of me, has put a lot on my plate. Somewhere in my subconscious I even start to believe that He owes me for what I have sacrificed or given. I forget about Mary, and Esther, and Moses, and David, and the ones that Hebrews 11 says:

"All these people were still living by faith when they died. They did not receive the things promised; they only saw them and welcomed them from a distance. And they admitted that they were aliens and strangers on earth." They each said yes to God's call on their lives to join Him in His bigger story and each paid a high price for it.

As I get ready to celebrate Easter, I cannot bypass Good Friday. I cannot forget that my freedom and my salvation came at a very high price.

"How shall we escape if we ignore such a great salvation? This salvation, which was first announced by the Lord, was confirmed to us by those who heard him." Hebrews 2:3

"It's crucial that we keep a firm grip on what we've heard so that we don't drift off. If the old message delivered by the angels was valid and nobody got away with anything, do you think we can risk neglecting this latest message, this magnificent salvation?" Hebrews 2:3 (The Message Translation)

I will probably never fully understand the price that Mary paid by saying yes to God when she was blessed and chosen to be part of His plan to save the world. I will never know how she felt at the foot of that cross as she "gave up" all that she "gave it all up for".

But I do know that I will never give to my Savior more than He has given me. He will never ask more of me than He gave for my freedom and salvation. I do not want to ignore so great a salvation or let my heart drift from remembering how costly this free gift really was.

He owes me nothing and has given me more than I could ever deserve: such a great and perfect salvation!

Happy Easter
Angela

For Virginia

2010-03-12T08:27:00.000-08:00

My precious friend, Virginia, is pregnant with twins. She already has 2 beautiful little girls. Virginia was in France when we arrived there in 2000. She understands God's love and redemption in a very special way. She found Christ when she was in college and had lived, up to that point, VERY far from Him.

Yesterday I heard the heartbreaking news that Virginia and John's unborn son has Downs Syndrome and a heart condition. I've read the encouragement of their friends on Facebook and as I've read them I can't help but remember how I felt 15 years ago when Jim and I received similar news about our baby son. The encouragement was priceless, but I also needed someone to acknowledge that this was hard and life-altering. I needed to hear from someone who had been there.

So I started thinking about what I want to say to John and Virginia, and I have to admit that what my heart feels and wants to say is very difficult to express. I'll take a shot at it though, because I love John and Virginia dearly.

I want them to know that among the heartache is hope, amidst the suffering is grace, behind the ambiguity is a divine plan, and inside of their son is an eternal soul created in the image of God.

Yes they are going to find God more faithful than they ever dreamed He could be, but they will also learn that He is more unpredictable than they wish He was. They will discover that His grace indeed is sufficient, but His ways are so much higher than theirs that they cannot even imagine what the next step will look like. Their faith will be tested as they wonder if a good God would place a precious soul inside of a broken body. They will grieve the little boy they lost as they embrace and love the little boy they have. Grief will take them by surprise at different stages in their son's life.

They will discover, as they allow God to give them strength, that God is indeed very good. As they fall more and more in love with their son, they'll understand more and more about God's love for broken and imperfect people. Temporal things will lose value and they will learn what is really important. Their hearts will bust with joy and pride as they see small victories in his life.

They will worry about the sacrifices their other children will make for their brother. Then one day they'll look at their amazing children and realize that they are better for having sacrificed.

They'll appreciate more the fact that in heaven there will be no bad news, no pain, no suffering and no tears.

They will wake up every morning aware of their need for a gracious and loving God. That is the greatest gift of all. We all desperately need Him, we just tend to become self sufficient and forget.

One day they will thank God for who they are because of who their son is and because of all that he has taught them.

It's not a road they would choose, but one day they will look back and they wouldn't trade that road for anything in the world.........

The Lord said to Gideon, "Go in the strength that you have......I will be with you". My advise would be...get out of bed every morning and put one foot in front of the other in the strength that you have. God will be with you every step that you take and His grace and strength will be more than enough!

Press on my dear dear friends!

It Matters

2010-01-20T14:40:00.000-08:00

This past weekend my pastor talked about David and how he was trained for greatness in the most unusual place, in a field taking care of sheep. David was anointed to be the next king of Israel when the prophet Samuel came to visit. He was the unlikely choice to be king, so much so that his father didn't even think to call him in for the prophet to consider. He was chosen, anointed and then went back out in the field to continue his work, to take care of his responsibilities.

This week I got an email from a young mom (love you so much Lynette!) who is discouraged and is finding it challenging to take care of her new baby and not finding time to pray and have her quiet time like she did before. Wow, have I been there! In her note she said, "How did you survive these times in life? I feel like I'm dying and my joy is fading by the moment."

As I thought and prayed about how to encourage her, I thought of David faithfully looking after his father's sheep. I thought about what pleasure God must have taken in seeing him do the task set before him with diligence and faithfulness. Then I thought about this sweet mom faithfully loving and nurturing her baby. And I asked myself this question, does God only take delight in us when we are on our knees praying or sitting in front of our Bibles? Or does He delight in seeing us serve Him with joy in whatever task He has allowed to be in front of us.

I remembered being in France with a child with special needs who only slept 3 hours a night and was at home crying most of the day. I couldn't imagine that God was anywhere near or that He could ever use me again....and here I was in France as a missionary! I thought I was going to drown.

All I knew to do was to open my Bible and cry out the Lord, as feeble as my cry may have been. I felt God whisper a question to my heart, "Will you serve me?" I explained to God that I could serve Him if He'd send help so that I could sleep and at least leave my house. Then He whispered, "Will you serve me with joy and thanksgiving?" Again, yes of course Lord, I've left everything to serve you! Then, "Will you serve me with joy and thanksgiving by loving this one little boy....with no one noticing but me and him?" That's when I understood that God takes delight in seeing me serve Him in whatever it is that is before me....with joy and thanksgiving.

Does the Lord delight in burnt offerings and sacrifices as much as in obeying the voice of the Lord? 1 Samuel 15:22

Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men, since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving. Colossians 3:23

I would bet that David did his job well because he was doing it as work to his God, whether that was protecting sheep or reigning as king. I encouraged this young mamma to love her baby and to serve with all of her heart as unto the Lord. He is never far, is always providing grace for the task at hand, and takes great delight in His children.

Whatever training ground God has you on, I pray that you will find joy and strength in every task.

Press On
Angela

Great Joy

2009-12-23T11:43:00.000-08:00

The part of the story of Christ's birth in the Bible that brings me to tears and touches me in a deep place is when some shepherds were out in the fields just doing their job and an angel appeared to them. Here they were just normal everyday guys and an angel comes to fill them in on the "good news".

"I bring you good news of great joy that will be for all the people. Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is Christ the Lord."
Luke 2:10

The first time I heard (or at least paid attention to) that passage was when Linus quoted it in the Charlie Brown Christmas Special. I was a young girl and had no idea why it made me feel like I was going to cry. Somehow I knew in my heart that it was important and good news even for me.

Today I understand a little better that the "good news" the angel was talking about was that a Savior had come for them....and for me. There was a point in my life when I realized that the world was broken. I got to a place in my life when I realized that life did not look like I thought it would look. Sometimes we get to that place because of our own sin and choices and consequences. Sometimes we get to that place because others have hurt, abused, or abandoned us. Sometimes life just throws blows that we nor anyone else had any control over. A Savior came for us all, in all of our brokeness, in all of our frailty and in all of our disappointments and pain.

That passage still makes me cry. An angel showed up to tell some ordinary guys the best news ever. Their lives were never going to be the same. And neither will ours as we trust and hope in this Christ child who is the good news for all people!

I pray that this Christmas you will be overwhelmed by the news that a Savior has come for you. You will never hear better news than that!

Merry Christmas!
Angela

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pn10FF-FQfs

Desires

2009-11-18T06:57:00.000-08:00

My dauther, Melissa, is in New York City this semester dancing as an intern with a dance company. Recently we were talking about why she loves to dance, and she couldn't explain her passion. It's as if she was born with a love for it. We decided that, along with our gifts and talents, even what we are passionate about is from God.

Psalm 139:13-15 You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother’s womb. Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex! Your workmanship is marvelous—how well I know it. You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion, as I was woven together in the dark of the womb.

How sweet to know that not only does God know us better than we know ourselves, but He created us just as we are with a purpose in mind.

Psalm 37:4 Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart.

So my prayer for each of us is that as we delight ourselves in Him, He will continue to plant HIS desires for us into our hearts. And as we follow our hearts, we will actually be following HIS dreams and plans for our lives.

Together

2009-10-23T06:05:00.000-07:00

I ran my first half marathon! It was an amazing experience to do something that I never dreamed I could do and to push myself way beyond what was comfortable for me. It was also an unforgetable experience because I ran it with 2 of my sisters and my niece (plus big sis and niece's mom along with my parents were there cheering us on). But the best moment of the day was when I heard about this volunteer who had come to pass out water at mile 11.

A woman, who was originally there to run the full marathon but missed the 9 mile cutoff time and had to settle for the half, arrived at the 11 mile station and told the volunteer that she just wasn't going to make it. She asked if they would please call someone to come and pick her up. She went on to explain that she didn't make the cutoff and was so discouraged and tired that she just couldn't go the last 2 miles to even finish the half.

The volunteer tried to encourage her to finish and finally said, "What if I run the rest of the way with you?" The lady couldn't believe that this volunteer was willing to jump in and run with her. In the end the two of them took of from the 11-mile station and crossed the finish line together. The young woman didn't hold the runner up, didn't even touch her in fact, but her presence gave her the strength to finish the race.

This is why I love the Body of Christ. This is why I LOVE my brothers and sisters in Christ. We are here to run together, to encourage each other as we each "run the race that is set out for us". We can't run it for each other, but running with each other gives us the strength and courage to finish well.

I know the beauty of having others come along beside me when I don't feel like I can face another day. I know what it's like to experience "Christ in the flesh" when a family member or friend walks difficult days with you. I am grateful for those in my life who didn't bail when things got sad and messy for me! They are running this race with me and pointing me to Christ, the One who gives me His strength when my strength is gone.

I pray that you know the beauty of having brothers and sisters in Christ who are running beside you, reminding you of who Christ is and who you are in Him and that you run this race well!

Run

2009-08-09T14:03:00.000-07:00

I'm training to run a half marathon! My goals, besides actually running the 13 miles, are not to whine or over analyze the experience. Having said that, let me share my analysis thus far:

I've never been a runner, and I'm not sure what possessed me to try it. Now that 2 of my sisters are training and going to run it with me, I can't possibly back out! But I've discovered that it is an amazing experience to push yourself to keep going when everything in you is screaming for you to stop. When my lungs and legs are yelling, "Don't go one more step...WALK....STOP...I can't do it....this is not worth it...." I only reach my goal when my mind has decided, before I even start, how far I will go before I stop. As I ran this morning I thought about how my spiritual "run" is much the same.

There are phases in my life when my heart and mind scream, "God's not coming through.... find another way.....He's not going to be faithful.....stop waiting.....this is too hard...He's asked too much...is it worth it???" In those moments it is only my history with God and the fact that I decided a long time ago to trust Him, no matter what, that keep me going.

The other thing I've learned is that it's more about endurance than it is about speed. I don't really care how fast I run the race, but I care a lot about actually fininshing it. Again the same can be said for our spiritual lives. To "run" well for the long haul is what really matters. I so often get in a hurry or impatient with God and want Him to do things fast. I even want Him to do His work in my heart fast. But I'm learning that He does things well and at just the right time. He's not too worried about my timing!

My goal for running is to be ready and to finish that 13 mile run. My goal spiritually is to trust Him no matter what, to finish this "race" well, and to be totally abandoned to Christ until this race is run!

"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us." Hebrews 12:1

So much for not over analysing....I'm still not whining though!

A Life that Counts

2009-07-26T19:51:00.000-07:00

Years ago my grandmother got too feeble to live by herself, so she moved in with my parents. When I would go visit my parents, I would watch her putter around the house with her walker and grow more feeble and forgetful as the years passed. It got to a point where she couldn't hear the TV well enough to watch it anymore, couldn't see well enough to read and had lost too many friends and family to have visitors.

On one of those visits I wondered why God would leave someone on earth after the point that they were ready to go, after most of their loved ones had gone before them and when they were in so much pain. One night I walked by her room and saw my 4 year old, Rachel, sitting on the side of Grandmother's bed, tucking her in and talking to her. God whispered to my heart, "That's why."

My friend Wendy just got diagnosed with a tumor on the lining of her brain. She's one of the most selfless and loving people I know. She has truly given God control of her life. She told me that she is expecting to see "fireworks" from God through all of this. She expects Him to use her life, even in her most feeble moments.

My family was blessed to have been able to love our grandmother in her old age.

Our church family will now be blessed to be able to step up and care for Wendy and her family as they go through these difficult months of surgery and recovery and the unknown. It reminds me that each of our lives is about more than just a solitary life. We are intertwined, God uses one life to touch and teach another.

When we tell God that He can use us, we expect Him to give us a task, to show us where to serve. Sometimes though we tell Him that our life belongs to Him and He allows us to become the task. It's much easier when God lets me stay the strong one, sends me to care for and love hurting, sick or broken people. But what about the times that He takes my life and uses it to teach others to care for and love one in need? What about when I become the broken and needy one? Am I really willing for Him to use my life however HE sees fit and in whatever way will bring Him the most glory?

To trust Him is that place is real and selfless faith!

My grandmother and Wendy have taught me more than they will ever know.

Accepted

2009-07-20T07:29:00.000-07:00

Have you ever been overwhelmed by the fact that we get to come into the presence of the God of all creation....just as we are?

We lived in France for 3 years before we found a school that would accept Michael. I'm talking about schools FOR handicapped children. They are full and getting a place for your child in one is next to impossible.

The process goes like this: a place comes open in a school, they let 3 or 4 children come in for a "3 day trial period", after the trial periods they choose which child gets the open spot. I can't remember how many "trials" we went through and were told each time that Michael had not been accepted. It was always for different reasons, all having to do with his disabilities: his behavioral issues, the fact that he was still in diapers, his inability to communicate, etc. I cannot tell you how painful that was each time it happened.

I began to despair and wondered why on earth God had called us there. At the beginning of our 4th year in France a school called with an opening and said they wanted to give Michael a 5 day trial to see if he could adjust. Everyday of that week I would walk him to the door with my heart pounding and resisting the urge to fall at their feet and beg them to accept and love my son just as he was, handicaps and all.

After I would drop him off I would go home, close my bedroom door and pray. I would ask, no I would beg, God to be with Michael, to give him favor, to help him cooperate. One morning I drove home angry with how wrong it was for a system to ask an already challenged child to prove himself before he was accepted. I closed my door that morning and expressed that to God, then I started in with...please give Michael favor today....

I was suddenly struck with the realization of what a miracle it is that I can come bravely before the throne of God....just as I am, handicaps and all....and I am completely and wholly accepted. I never have to fall at His feet and beg him to accept and love me. What Jesus did for me at the cross covers my sin and brokenness. I realized that my son compared to a "normal" child is nothing compared to the difference between me and the holiness of God. Why had I never realized how huge that is before.

What a privilege to have and to serve a God like that!

Conditional Faith

2009-07-07T09:06:00.000-07:00

I'm on week 6 of a Beth Moore Bible Study called Esther. As usual, her study has really challenged and encouraged me. Amazing!

Last night she made several points that really struck me. One of them was about conditional faith and fear. Conditional faith is where our trust in God is that He will protect us from something....I trust that God will not let "this" happen. Tested and genuine faith says I trust God even if "this" does happen. Our "this" can be several things or one overwhelming fear that we don't think we could face. For Esther is was death, "If I perish, I perish".

One of my "this" conditions was that I would have healthy children. Surely if God is good then He would give me healthy children. When Michael was born with multiple problems I was faced with a huge question, "Is God really good?" He didn't protect me from my "this". It truly put my faith to the test and, in the end, moved me from conditional faith to real faith.

What I found to be a life-changing truth, and what Beth Moore pointed out in her study, is that God is faithful. God is good and He can care for me and lift me back up on my feet even when "this" happens. I'm no longer afraid of "this".

When we get to the place where we say "If I perish, I perish" or "If 'this', then God will be faithful to me and provide for me" then we are free. We are free from fear and free to trust God with all of our hearts. We are free to bravely go where He calls us to go, to love whomever He calls us to love, to sacrifice whatever He might ask us to sacrifice. Once we know that He is enough, then we are truly free and will carry a lighter weight than we've carried before!

"The LORD is with me; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me?"
Psalm 118:6

Weary

2009-06-15T14:39:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I am just weary, worn out. There are mornings when I wake up and I'm not sure where I will get the energy to go through the day. On those days I am so glad to know that my God does not ever grow weary and never wonders where He is going to get the energy to get ME through the day.

"Have you never heard? Have you never understood? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of all the earth. He never grows weak or weary. No one can measure the depths of His understanding.

He gives power to the weak and strength to the powerless. Even youths become weary and tired, and young men will fall in exhaustion.

But those who trust in the Lord will find new strength. They will soar high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint." Isaiah 40:28-31

So once again my job is simply to trust Him. He doesn't promise to wave a magic wand and remove all the things that make me feel weary, but He does promise to give me strength when I am powerless and power when I am weak.

At the end of the day I look back and I can see how He has been faithful and has carried me through even the most exhausting days!

His Responsibility

2009-05-21T09:12:00.001-07:00

One of the greatest things about my new job is the amazing people I get to be around. One of those is a pastor from "the hood" (as he calls it), Pastor Thomas. Pastor Thomas is close to 70 years old, has walked with Christ his whole life, lead a church on the south side of Cape Girardeau for all of his adult life, raised 8 children, has been married for 47 years, had a second job for years with Fed Ex so that he could put shoes on children's feet for school (not his own children, by the way) and is one of the most godly and humble people I've ever met. Our church partners with his and some of us meet together every Wednesday morning. We mostly sit and listen to Pastor Thomas give words of wisdom on whatever subject comes up. I think I'm going to start shamelessly taking notes while he talks or bring a tape recorder.

Yesterday he was telling the story about God providing a house for him when his was falling down around him and full of black mold (an amazing story of God's faithfulness and of waiting on God instead of taking matters into our own hands!). He made a statement that will stay with me forever. He said, "I decided that I am God's responsibility and it was up to Him to take care of and provide for me".

I am God's responsibility. Today I'm trying to let that really soak in and penetrate my heart so that I can trust and serve God like Pastor Thomas does.

I guess that is what God has been teaching me my whole life. The Bible says that I'm not supposed to worry about what I'll wear or eat....I'm God's responsibility to provide for. It says that God is the one who opens doors and closes them, that I should cast all of my cares onto Him, that I can have peace in times of hardship and famine, that He is my healer, that He sees when I come and when I go (His eye is always on me), and on and on it goes. All because I am His responsibility.

And all those I care for so deeply are His responsibility as well. My husband, my children, my friends, my parents, etc. Even Michael is His responsibility.

How freeing is that? Once again I'm reminded that MY job is to obey Him and GOD'S job is to take care of me and all that I call mine! I guess that is what makes the yoke easy and the burden light!

I think I'll sleep better tonight. Thank you, Pastor Thomas.

Without Complaining

2009-05-08T06:12:00.000-07:00

“Do everything without complaining or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure, children of God without fault in a crooked and depraved generation, in which you shine like stars in the universe as you hold out the word of life “ Philippians 2:14-16a

This morning I got up feeling VERY grumpy. Michael is back in a pattern of not sleeping. This is a symptom of his syndrome, although no one knows why. He can go months and even years with only 3 or 4 hours of sleep a night. But we've been on a good roll until about 2 weeks ago and now we're not sleeping again.

So I got up this morning and was not a happy camper...to say the least. I was about to register my complaint with God (or write an email to a sister or friend who I knew would care and feel bad for me) when this verse ran through my mind. I made my kids memorize it when they were little because I didn't want them to complain or argue!! Suddenly the table was turned and the verse applied to me! And there is a powerful principle here.

Don’t you just hate it when the Bible uses words like “everything” and “never”. I would rather that verse say, “Do most things without complaining or arguing” or “Only complain and argue when things are really bad”. But this passage says “everything”. And it also says that when we live without complaining we will shine like stars and we will be better positioned to hold out the word of life to a lost and dying world.

I know that the greatest impact my family has had is in living life with a handicapped child with hope and with grace. When people see you living a hard thing without complaining, they need to know how. And then the door is wide open to share words of life and truth, we only live this way because we have a grace and a strength that is not our own! (don't misunderstand, I've done plenty of complaining...I just see the difference between when I do and when I don't)

But, you might ask...or at least I have asked....how will people know I'm living a hard thing if I don't tell them?? What I'm learning is that God knows and that is enough. It's the relying on His strength to carry on with joy that changes things in my heart and allows me to offer hope to others. The Bible says He is the "One who sees". He knows, He cares and that is enough....well, on most days..I'm getting there!

So I'm going back to what I wrote long ago and I'm restarting my day by focusing on what God HAS done for me and all that I have to be thankful for. He is gracious and has given me way more than I deserve!

There are just too many people who need to hear the words of life for me to forfeit the opportunity by being a complainer!

Handicap

2009-04-25T10:43:00.000-07:00

This morning Michael was watching TV in his room. As I walked by his door, a great song started playing. So I walked in his room and started dancing. I don’t dance well, so I don’t do that in front of very many people. Michael jumped up and started dancing with me. So there we were….a lady who is not a dancer and probably too old to be dancing around like that and a boy whose feet are so crooked that he shouldn’t be walking, much less dancing on them! We had a blast.

In France I had a handicapped son. I’m learning that in America I’m not supposed to say “handicapped”, so I have a son with special needs. But personally I like the word “handicap”. Among the definitions for handicap that I found was this: “A disadvantage given to a superior contender to level the playing field” and ”an additional weight or other hindrance imposed upon the one possessing superior advantages, in order to equalize, as much as possible, the chances of success” That makes me think of the verse that says that we each have a race marked out for us. My Michael runs his with a “handicap”. There must be something about his heart that made him “special”, a superior contender. Maybe instead of having a child with "special needs" we should say we have a child who is a "superior contender".

Of course I don’t want to ignore the fact that there is heartache involved in loving a child who is handicapped. Another definition was: “something that makes progress difficult”. I remember a scene from the movie “Ray” about the life of Ray Charles. In the scene, the little boy had gone blind and was feeling his way around a room. His mother was standing in the corner, quiet, not letting him know she was there, and crying as she watched him struggle and feel his way around, both of them adjusting to life with this “handicap”. That scene took me off guard and touched a pain deep in my heart and made me weep! There is certainly pain involved in being “handicapped” or in loving a “handicapped” person and watching them go through life with progress being difficult.

As I walked out of his room this morning, out of breath from dancing and sad that things jiggle that didn’t use to jiggle….but that’s another subject, I thought about how I need to be more like Michael. Michael doesn’t know the concept of “us and them”, we’re just all us. He laughs when something is funny and cries when he is sad, regardless of where he is, who is watching and what they might think. He doesn’t judge people for dancing poorly or for dancing at all. He gives high fives to strangers at basketball games, he cheers for the losers and the winners, he doesn’t worry about what people think of him, he loves everyone.

So I’ve decided that more people need a “handicapped” or “special needs person” in their life. I think I’ll start being a handicapped mother, a friend with special needs, a wife with special needs….one who doesn’t judge, one who accepts everyone, one who jumps up and starts dancing with people regardless of how good or bad they dance. One who cheers for the winners and the losers the same, one who doesn’t see anyone for what they can or cannot do or how they look or smell or succeed or fail.

However I don’t think I'll drink out of strangers' cups at McDonald’s.........

Control

2009-04-18T08:15:00.000-07:00

"I said to the Lord, 'You are my Master! Every good thing I have comes from you.' Lord, you alone are my inheritance, my cup of blessing. You guard all that is mine." Psalm 16: 2,5

These verses have been an overriding theme for me for a while. I'm not sure I still get the full impact that "every good thing I have comes from my Lord" and "He guards all that is mine". But as I've gone through this season of uprooting, trusting, leaving, moving forward (into the complete unknown at times) I have started to understand some things better.

If every good thing I have comes from Him, that means that I don't have what I have because I have worked for it or earned it or even because I deserve it. If HE alone is my inheritance, then it has nothing to do with what I have anyway. He is enough. He is my reward. And if He guards all that is mine, then I am free from fear or worry about what I might lose. I will surely lose things, but never because of something I did or did not do. He is sovereign. He is in control and I am not.

A couple of years ago I was laying in bed and praying about all that I was trusting God for. I don't even remember all that was on my list that night. But I was praying and assuring the Lord that I was trusting Him to provide for all that I had just talked to Him about. Suddenly I had a thought (personally I think it was God whispering to my heart): What if, instead of trusting God to provide all that I need, I trusted instead that what He does provide is all I need. What if following Him and surrendering all to Him has less to do with trusting Him with my list (and how I'm sure things should play out) and more about abandoning all to Him to the point that I spend more time in prayer surrendering to Him and less time filling Him in on how things should happen. That thought changed my life. I felt a freedom that I had never felt before. Even in the chaos and uncertainty of life, it finally felt like there was control and order....and it was all way beyond me and even beyond my ability to understand.

The Bible does tell me to bring my requests to Him and to pray without ceasing, but it also tells me not to be anxious about anything. I guess that means that I bear my heart and soul to Him, even express to Him how I long for things to go and then leave it all in His care, trusting that He guards all that is mine and can be trusted.

So that brings me to today. Today I sit in my own house in Cape Girardeau: one of the things I surrendered long ago was the right to ever own a home again. What a gift and surprise this house is! I started a new job a couple of weeks ago and after 10 months of transition and waiting for God to show us the way forward, He has provided and blessed beyond my wildest dreams. I'm reminding myself to hold all things loosely though, because He still has the right to all that I like to call mine!

Our first weekend here we had a rough start. Rachel's dog, Chandler, had gotten very sick and died in her arms while she was at home alone with him. The very next night I got hit head on by a drunk driver and I was in my friend, Wendy's, van. The EMT told me as he drove me away from the accident that not many people walk away from accidents like that one. And I didn't even have the first bruise.

It reminded me of something Mimi wrote when she had been in a terrible accident her first year back in the States and her first year away from us. She called it "Friday: the day I did not die". Here's what she wrote at the end:

"I think that if anything this feels like a somewhat appropriate culmination of this year. Because the residing theme seemed to be: I am not in control. And: God is.

I am not afraid. and I'm not shaking and I'm not spending time wondering what if. Because although I cannot fully protect the things I own, I know he can. And it's enough.

it all sounds crazy.

So, for now I am grateful that Friday was not the day I died, and that all the days to come have already been seen and are known

and that I do not have"

I'm grateful today for all that God has given me and blessed me with. I'm grateful for the ways He has protected my family and led us, at least for now, to a place of peace and surrounded by an unbelievably loving church. I'm grateful that in times of loss, He upholds us. I'm grateful not to be in control.

But most of all, I'm grateful that HE guards all that is mine. I'm grateful that I can lay all that I love and care about at His feet and trust Him completely. I'm grateful that He knows what is best for me. I'm grateful that no matter what I lose or keep or gain, He is always with me and will never leave me or forsake me. He is my inheritance and nothing on heaven or earth can take that away from me!

Costly Love

2009-03-15T10:00:00.000-07:00

I have a friend whose father was a prominent doctor in the town she grew up in. Today her dad has Alzheimer’s and has become like a child. She helps to care for him as she watches him decline right before her eyes.

She has introduced me to one of her friends who took care of her husband for over 10 years as he went from being a head anesthesiologist in town to being diagnosed at a young age with the same disease and finally seeing it take his life.

I remember lying in a hospital bed, realizing that God was asking more of me than I could possibly give. He was asking me to love deeply, to love to the point of my heart breaking, to love beyond my own capacity to love. Love can be costly and never more costly than when it breaks your heart.

My friend loves her father as she grieves the father she lost. Her friend loved her husband as she longed for a husband to walk through the seasons with her, hand in hand. I love my son even as I miss the son he could have been if his chromosomes had all been in place.

We love because we have been loved. ”Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous man, though for a good man someone might possibly dare to die. But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” Romans 5:7-8

He loved us long before we even acknowledged that we needed a Savior. Amazing love, a costly love that sent Jesus to the cross for us.

Jesus said this about love: “My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends. You are my friends if you do what I command.” John 15:12-14

There are times when God calls us to a costly love. Our first urge is often to run, to look for comfort or a way out. Love will often demand loss and heartache. But we can love deeply simply because we have been deeply loved.

What a blessing to be instruments for God’s love to flow through us and into the lives of those around us. Love, for you are beautifully loved.

Husband of the Year

2009-02-27T17:13:00.000-08:00

Well I think I need to nominate Jim for Husband of the Year! If this entry doesn't convince you that he deserves it (or at least get an honorable mention) then it will at least convince you that angels really do protect us and that you need to have a sense of humor in all things...so feel free to laugh with us.

Last summer I got an invitation to speak at a Youth With a Mission Discipleship Training School (or a YWAN DTS) in Dunham, Canada (near Montreal). Jim was excited for me to go, he has gone 2 years in a row and thought it'd be great for me to go this time. He even suggested that I take Rachel with me and he would stay home with Michael. That is quite an offer since life with Michael is so unpredictable and a lot of work even if all goes well.

Well, last week was the week, and Rachel and I had a great time in Canada. There were students from 13 different countries there. We even took an extra day and explored Montreal.

Unfortunately Michael got a stomach flu the night before I left. It ended up taking him 4 days to stop throwing up. Jim stepped up to the occasion and even taught Michael how to throw up in a bucket!

The stomach flu was better by Thursday, when he was pulling at his ear and was obviously hurting. So then he took him to the doctor (Michael doesn't like going to the doctor and made quite a scene there) who put him on antibiotics. The antibiotics upset his stomach again, so round and round they went. The plan was for Jim to have at least the days free while Michael was in school, but he didn't end up spending even one full day at school.

OK, that's just the tip of the iceberg. On Thursday Melissa and Jim were sitting in the kitchen while Michael was upstairs in his room. We have to be careful that Michael doesn't get out of the house without our knowing it, which he has done often. He doesn't seem to understand that he can get hit by a car or get lost. So they knew he couldn't get out of the house since he was upstairs and they were downstairs near the front door.

Suddenly Melissa thought she heard Michael's voice outside. They ran outside but didn't see him anywhere, but then they couldn't find him anywhere in the house either. Finally they realized that he had gone out onto a balcony upstairs and managed to climb up onto the roof....to the tip top. He was perched there making his happy noises and evidently enjoying the view. Jim ran back into the house to get his shoes and in the meantime Melissa was on the balcony and managed to talk Michael safely down to her.

Once he was down, Jim was hugging Melissa and consoling her since she had gotten quite upset and scared at Michael being perched on top of a 2 story house. While he was hugging her, Michael went back into the house, shut the door and locked it....locking both Jim and Melissa on the balcony upstairs. Then he ran downstairs and he (and the dog) ran out the front door. Melissa got Michael's attention from up on the balcony and the tone in her voice convinced him that he should probably go back inside...however they couldn't talk him into unlocking the balcony door.

In the end, they got someone's attention who was down the street. He came into the house, unlocked the door and all was well.

The only other incident was when Jim got into the back seat of the car with Michael to calm him down (while they were waiting at the drugstore for his medicine) and he realized when he tried to get out of the car that both back doors were childproofed!

So there you have a glimpse of a week of Jim's life with Michael....and why I think he is the Husband of the Year!!

The Goal

2009-02-17T13:06:00.000-08:00

I have a close friend whose first child went off to college this fall. When he left she called me and was sobbing. If you've been there, like I have, you know how hard it is when one of your children leaves home. It's the end of an era. If you haven't been there, brace yourself. It's not that you're sad about where they are in their lives or that they are going to college, but it marks the end of childhood.

As she was crying on the phone to me she said, "When he was a cute little baby I never imagined this day would come so quickly or that it would be so hard to see him go." I told her that we have to remember the goal. The goal from the day our children are born is independence. We teach them to eat by themselves, to walk without assistance, then to drive, to take responsibility along the way, to make wise decisions, etc. Every little step has been toward compete independence when they would care for themselves and fly from our nest. The goal has always been independence.

As I was telling my friend this she stopped and said, "Oh my gosh, I forgot the goal!" She and I have laughed about that since then and talked about how easy it is to forget the goal. It's easy to think that these cute little babies are somehow for our pleasure and for us to enjoy and show off. We forget that we've only been given these precious souls for a time and then we send them into the world to make their own mark and find their own place in the world.

I've joined a group of women in memorizing Scripture and this is the verse we started memorizing a week ago:

"Do not love this world nor the things it offers you, for when you love the world, you do not have the love of the father in you. For the world offers only a craving for physical pleasure, a craving for everything we see, and pride in our achievements and possessions. These are not from the Father, but are from this world." 1 John 2:15-17

As I started memorizing those verses my heart began to ache as I realized that I so quickly start to crave what I see. I somehow begin to think that God owes me certain things and certain comforts. It's easy be proud of what I've done or what I have. It takes a lot of work not to veer towards being worldly. As I thought about that and looked at the state of my own heart I had to say to myself, "I have forgotten the goal!" How easy it is to forget the real goal and start to live for less than worthy goals.

So I sat down to remind myself of the goals for my life:

To glorify Christ in all that I do and say and even think

To never depend on my own understanding or wisdom but to completely trust God

To surrender every area of my life and let God have His way

To love Him, really love Him, and to love the people in my life like I have been loved by my Savior

To seek Him and all that is important to Him and to let the rest go

To be content with whatever He has provided for me and whatever He has allowed in my life, good or difficult.

It takes a lot of work to keep the goal in focus, to live for and be motivated by the right goal. God didn't give me precious children for my own pleasure and fulfillment, and He didn't put me on this earth to accumulate a lot of stuff and applause. I've got to keep my eye on the right goal!!

Broken Heart

2009-02-06T07:25:00.000-08:00

The man's face still haunts me. I was sitting on the Paris metro right across from him. He was a middle aged man, nicely dressed and, except for the tears rolling down his cheek, looked like someone who had it all together.

I had just inherited an ipod from Melissa. I had no idea how it worked, so Jim downloaded some of my favorite music and a few podcast sermons for me. The next day I was taking the train and metro into Paris...the perfect chance to use my new ipod. Before I walked out the door though I had to get Rachel to show me how to turn it on and off!

I felt like a very modern woman with my headphones in my ears as I walked a long correspondence through the metro. I was listening to "Living Room Sessions" by Chris Rice, a CD of hymns played only on piano. As I walked past obscene billboards, a couple of homeless people still in their sleeping bags, and a sea of expressionless faces, I had "How Great Thou Art" ringing in my ears. I was suddenly overcome with a mixture of emotions. It was almost surreal to have my heart full of worship and so aware of how great God is and at the same time be looking at so much pain and so many faces with hopeless expressions. It reminded me of the war scene in Lord of the Rings when a terrible battle is being shown but the most beautiful song is being sung.

I finally got to my metro train and sat down. This is when I saw the man with tears rolling down his face. By this time Chris Rice was playing "Be Still My Soul"....and the words ran through my head, "Be still my soul, the Lord is on your side". I had an overwhelming urge to lean forward and say, "Excuse me sir, did you know that the God of all creation is on your side?" Alas, French etiquette would not allow me to speak to a stranger on the metro, especially one trying to cope with overflowing emotions. If he had been a woman I believe I would have risked being culturally insensitive and said it anyway.

As I got off of my train, I turned Chris Rice off. I just couldn't take anymore. I could no longer celebrate my salvation and my joy as my mind kept showing me the man crying on the train. It's painful to catch a glimpse of God's heart for the lost and the hurting. He too has barriers that He doesn't cross. He sees every tear and knows every heartache, yet He respects each person's free will and will allow them to live far from Him if they choose to. I can only imagine how His heart must break.

I then had lunch with a fairly new Christian who had decided to see a mystic/fortune teller for her problems. I couldn't seem to convince her that Jesus is all she needs. She had transferred her hope and trust into the idols this man has given her. Again I felt like my heart would break. "Lord, how do you bear it?"

As I headed home, I looked on my ipod for something besides worship or Christian music. I just wanted to escape. I was hoping to find James Taylor's Greatest Hits or something fun and neutral, but all I could find was Blues Clues and Veggie Tales (which I'm assuming Jim put on there so that I can let Michael listen to it from time to time!).

In the end I went back to Chris Rice. Before I pushed play, I asked God to continue to break my heart for the lost, as painful as that can be. I promised Him that I would resist the temptation to simply turn on Blues Clues or James Taylor or bury my head in a book or to bury myself in activities or even church work....and avoid the pain and hopelessness all around me. I don't want to close my eyes to the pain and suffering that is all around me, while I lose myself in beautiful music or in my own little world.

Life would be so much easier and less messy if I could just fill my live with activities I enjoy, concentrate on my family and close friends, and close my heart to the lost. I asked God to never let me be content with my own salvation and joy of belonging to Him to the point that I ignore those around me who don't yet have the assurance of an eternal life with Him or know His peace or simply that He is for them and on their side.

The man's tear stained face on the metro will probably be with me forever, or at least I hope it will.

(By the way, I learned another important lesson that day: You're singing louder than you think when you sing along with your ipod!)

Dance

2009-01-31T06:06:00.000-08:00

My daughter, Melissa, is a dance major in college. Recently she shared a paper with me that she had to write about her philosophy of dance. It was beatiful and expressed more than just what dance is to her. I felt like it expressed my feelings as a parent, especially being the parent of a handicapped child. Then I realized that it expresses whatever it is in each of our lives that we pour ourselves into (whether it is what we chose to pour ourselves into or not). With her permission I'm attaching a part of that paper with you!!

The thing that is most precious to me about dance is that it has been in the context of the studio – learning, stretching, strengthening, daring, insisting, pushing – that I have become who I am. Somehow the journey I have experienced as a dancer can no longer be separated with the journey I have experienced thus far as a human being. Not because I was “made to dance” or “dance is my life,” but because it has been the substance of my life for a long time now. It has been a focus, a context in which God has worked on my heart, my mind, and every inch of me. I feel more than anything that God has used dance as a tool to shape me. I have never felt defined as a “dancer” very easily. Dance was one way…there were millions of others. But what a beautiful way it has been!

I was thinking about it tonight, and it struck me that I have, for the most part, felt that I have poured into dance and have been constantly giving of myself, and yet it has occurred to me recently that somehow in the midst of all that dance began to give to me. I began to be filled up by what I had once emptied myself for.

So, I guess dance is important to me because it has been the context within which I have found courage, the place that I have learned to work hard and be disciplined and to understand what it means to fail, and to achieve; it has been the tool with which to express, but also a way to give, help and serve.

Dance is so much more than just the body moving through space. It is always the whole person, their past, their fears, and all their hopes and dreams, inside their skin, saying something, and in the process becoming something different.

Dance, to me, is about being a human. It is not about being anything other than human; it is about being beautifully human.

What a beautiful thought that as we are being stretched, strengthened, challenged, pushed at times beyond our limits; we are becoming beautifully human. And at some point we see that the thing we've been giving ourselves to is actually the thing that gives back to us, it is the tool that God is using to shape us.

So let's dance, maybe not physically like Melissa does (although I have a blast dancing around my kitchen when no one is looking except the dog), but let's dance and celebrate in our hearts. We were not made for a thing or for a task, we were created to be in relationship with God our Father. As we seek Him and grow through whatever circumstances we are in, we are becoming fully human and more like Him!

Ambiguity

2009-01-16T11:20:00.000-08:00

Happy New Year Everyone!

It was exactly a year ago when Jim took a prayer retreat to seek the Lord about our future. It was exactly a year ago when God clearly said to him that it was time to leave France and take our family back to the US. We knew that the primary reason was for Michael's good, but we also knew that God had every member of our family's good at heart, and we knew that He would show us the way forward.

We left France in June. We got back to the US just in time for the economy to bottom out and for the nation to be torn in two over an election. Jobs and opportunities we thought were certain disintegrated and the plans we had made seemed to vanish right before us. All that had been clear to us before became very unclear.

Today we are in Mississippi, still waiting for Him to show us the way forward. We still have dreams in our hearts and still have a burning desire to serve the Lord with all of our lives. There are opportunities, but we are not sure what God is asking us to do. There are some things that we do know: Jim will still be working with the Mission Society and will still pour his life into encouraging and discipling artists. What is not yet clear is where we will settle and exactly what this next season will look like or what is best for Michael or the other kids.

We're seeking God with all of our hearts. Our desire is to serve Him. So we wait and hope and dream. I will be the first to admit that this time of waiting is not easy. I don't like ambiguity. In fact, I hate it. I don't even like suspenseful movies. I always enjoy a movie better when I know how it ends, honestly I do. I was reading a Francine Rivers novel over Christmas and finally had to read the very end so that I could enjoy the book. I don't mind waiting as much as I mind not knowing! So why would God put me in this place of ambiguity?? I'm sure the answer is obvious, He wants me to trust Him in a deeper, bigger way. He's stretching me and asking me to (no actually demanding that I) stay desperate for Him.

So as this new year begins I am reviewing how God has been faithful to us in the past. As I do that, I find myself grieving the fact that I can question or doubt Him...ever. What I know is that He is good, always good. He is a faithful provider, sustainer, lover of my soul. So I'm focusing on who I know Him to be and asking Him to invade my heart once again, to overwhelm me with His presence and His love. When God puts me in a place of uncertainty and removes my props (the things that make me feel secure), I find Him in a new way. He gently draws me close to Himself and reminds me of a tenderness I can have with Him when all else is in the shadows.

So more than I long for Him to show us the way forward, I long for Him to draw us close, to be intimate with us, to be our all in all.

As you begin this new year and you face all that it will bring your way, here is my prayer for us all, above all else:

"May our roots go down deep into the soil of God's marvelous love. And may we have the power to understand, as all God's people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love really is. May we experience the love of Christ, though it is so great we will never fully understand it. Then we will be filled with the fullness of life and power that comes from God." from Ephesians 3

And may our hope never be in an economy or a government or in what we have or do not have. My our faith in Christ never depend on what He gives or doesn't give or allows or does not allow. May our confidence never be in our own ability to provide, to figure things out, or to navigate rough waters.

May 2009 be a year where we find our Savior to be our all in all, the hope of the world!

Walking Through the Seasons

2008-11-02T06:11:00.000-08:00

I have come full circle. We have been living temporarily in Brandon as we are on furlough. This is where we are seeking the Lord about what is next and where we are resting and adjusting to life back in the US. Ironically this is also the city we lived in when Michael was born; before we went to Cape Girardeau and had an amazing church staff experience and 5 years before we went to France. As I shop, drive and walk the streets of Brandon, I have experienced strange emotions. This is where we walked through our desert, our most difficult days. We went through a heartbreaking church experience and adjusted to life as parents of a handicapped child.

Yet as I walk these streets today, I’m not in the desert at all. What was once a difficult place is now a peaceful one. Being here has caused me to revisit and reflect on those painful days when just getting out of bed and facing the day took more energy than I had on my own. I remember begging God for strength, to bring good things to us, to take us out of our desert. And eventually He did. As we left Brandon 13 years ago, I remember thinking, “Well, that is that. I’ve been through my desert, I’ve lived difficult days and now God is taking me on to safer and happier times.” He did take us on to a great place. But what I’ve discovered as the years have passed is that….deserts come and go. We’ve never gotten to a place where life won’t bring uncertainty, where we’re safe from heartache and disappointed.

God’s goal is evidently not for my life to be easy and settled, for all questions to be answered, for me to have arrived in a place where the pain is behind me and only smooth waters are ahead. I don’t know all of His reasons, but I know they are for my good. Perhaps He wants me to remember that I am desperate for Him and for His strength. Perhaps He wants me not only to understand the pain of others but to feel it with them because I’ve been there myself. Perhaps it’s the desert times that draw me so close to Him, which is the real goal after all. Perhaps He wants me to remember that this place is not my home and to keep my sights set on eternal things. Perhaps the desperate days grow me deep and make my faith rich. Perhaps I need to trust Him over and over when all seems lost.

The good news is that He never keeps me there. There are times when we are surviving the desert and times when He is walking us beside still, quiet waters. There have been days when the plan made perfect sense and I’ve been overwhelmed by God’s blessings and grace to allow us to be part of what He is doing. A desert doesn't mean the plan has changed or isn't working. The sweetest thing of all is that He is always there with us; restoring, healing, leading and showing Himself to be enough!

“For forty years you sustained them in the desert; they lacked nothing, their clothes did not wear out nor did their feet become swollen.” Nehemiah 9:20-21

As I walk the streets of Brandon today I realize that what I thought would kill me has only made me stronger. My feet are not swollen as I’ve walked through season after season, through times of heartache and times of amazing joy. This place is not what it was before, but then neither am I!

Go

2008-10-05T16:41:00.000-07:00

"You can be sure I have seen the misery of my people....I have heard their cries for deliverance....Yes, I am aware of their suffering....now go, I am sending YOU" from Exodus 3

God sees suffering. He cares about those who cry and mourn and hurt, just as he did when he spoke those words to Moses. He longs to comfort, to be close to the brokenhearted, to whisper words of hope into hopeless ears. When he saw the misery of the people of Israel in Moses' day, he told Moses to go. I hear them, I want to comfort them, I want to be close to them.....you go.

So how does he comfort brokenhearted people today? Could it be that he still does it through people...through us?

Two weeks ago Jim and I were visiting longtime friends in Los Angeles. We have known Chris and Kathy since college. We even sang in their wedding 25 years ago. Like Jim and I, Chris and Kathy have had some unexpected bumps in the road. 15 years ago their 5 year old son, Peter, was diagnosed with a brain tumor. He went through surgery and treatment to save his life. His life was indeed spared, but they no longer had the little boy they had before cancer. Peter was now disabled, handicapped, not able to do the things was able to do before surgery. Today he is 20 years old, a brain cancer survivor. Life is not easy for Peter, but he is a true hero in my book. Nothing comes easy for him, but he has graduated from high school and is taking classes at a local Jr College. He loves to play board games, plays piano, and LOVES to tell jokes. (The picture is of our 2 boys: Peter and Michael)

If you have ever been seriously ill or had a child who spent a lot of time in a hospital, you know that just walking into a hospital stirs up strong emotion. Most of us who have been through an experience like that avoid hospitals whenever possible. We don't want to revisit the pain of those days or months or years, but not my friend Kathy. After her son survived brain cancer, she and another mother started an organization to support families of children with brain tumors.

Every Wednesday Kathy spends the day at the LA Childrens' Hospital visiting children and parents of children who are fighting for their lives. Kathy attends more funerals in a month than I've attended in my lifetime. She visits parents whose children will live and lead normal lives, she visits parents whose children will survive only to relapse a year later or to remain handicapped and disabled, and she visits parents whose children will lose their battle to cancer. She visits people who are in pain, who are suffering, and whose hearts are truly breaking.

The question is: Why would someone do such a thing? Why would she revisit her own pain and walk the halls of that hospital with hurting parents? Why wouldn't she just take care of her son who is still struggling and deal with her own ongoing pain? The answer is actually very simple; because God has seen their pain, he has heard their cries and he longs to comfort them. And he says to one woman to go and be his presence there. Every time she puts her arm around a desperate mother, or sits by the bed of a suffering child, or attends the funeral of a cancer victim, or cries tears for hurting people (and she sheds plenty of tears)...she is Christ in the flesh.

I spent a day walking the hospital with Kathy, a Wednesday that will stay with me forever. We saw 27 children who are fighting for their lives. I saw fear and pain and heartache in the faces of many parents. But I also saw some of the bravest people I've ever met. I couldn't ask the question, "Where are you God?" because I was walking the halls with his representative. God was there.

I read a quote once that said, "God doesn't comfort us so that we'll be comfortable. He comforts us so that we can comfort." I realize that I too often turn away from situations that will cause me pain. I don't pour out my life like I should to hurting and lonely people. I wasn't put on this earth to be comfortable or even to deal with my own pain. I was put on this earth to reflect the glory of God. I was put here to make a difference.

God sees the suffering and says "Go". So every Wednesday Kathy goes to where the hurting people are.

"He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When others are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us.'

2 Corinthians 1:4

"Now go, I am sending you!"

Find out more about Kathy's organization: We Can

http://www.wecan.cc/

God Redefined

2008-07-29T10:47:00.000-07:00

I sit in my parents' house today, surrounded with suitcases and once again in a time of huge transition. We have just spent a couple of months packing everything we own, deciding what is worth shipping across the ocean and what to leave behind, saying good-bye to people, a country, a work, and a culture that I've come to dearly love. The future is once again unclear, uncertain and unknown. We've been here before.

Jim and I first went to France after we'd only been married for a year. I had never been out of the country and had never heard a foreign language other than the few words I learned in French class. Everything in me was challenged and shaken to the core. There was culture shock, but there was also a need to trust God and to press into Him in a way I had never had to do before. When all that was familiar to me was stripped away, I found that the God I had been serving was no longer familiar to me either. He redefined Himself to me as He allowed doubts and fear to drive me to know Him better, not just the idea of who I thought and hoped He was.

When Michael was born with severe physical and developmental handicaps, I was once again on the shore of the unknown. Once again I didn't recognize this God I thought I had come to know so well. In the dark restless moments of the months that followed, I discovered that He is so much more unpredictable and unable to be defined and understood than I ever thought He could be. He drew me to Himself and gave me peace and intimacy that I had not known before.

Then we packed everything we owned and took 4 children to a foreign country where I watched them challenged and shaken just as I had been. I couldn't "fix" it for them and had to let them ask their own questions and wrestle with their own doubts. I also got to see them discover a love and deep relationship with the God they had put into question.

So here we are again. We've left France and are looking at the unknown. Once again I have children who are confused and feel like kites flapping in the wind with strings cut. Once again I realize that I cannot demand or predict what God will do, where He will lead us, how He will provide, or how He will answer my children's questions. Again I come before Him realizing that I have so much more to learn about who He is.

These are times when I feel stripped of what has become familiar and I meet my God in a new way. I don't have to have answers. I don't have to understand. He doesn't promise easy, but He does promise to be with me wherever I go and through whatever I go through.

I discovered His Presence in a foreign country. I discovered His Presence in a hospital intensive care unit as I held my newborn baby. I discovered His Presence as I laid in bed, knowing that my children laid in their beds with questions, doubts, pain, and even tears. I discover His Presence as I lay down all expectations and let Him show me Himself as He truly is and not the watered down version I have created in my heart.

I pray that you will find His Presence in the unpredictable times in your life as He allows you to lose sight of who you thought He was and discover who He really is.

I long for easy, for predictable, for clarity. But today I long for His Presence more. When all else is stripped away, I find Him in new and deep ways.

Pressing On
Angela

Fear

2008-05-24T02:45:00.000-07:00

One of my favorite things about living in France is being so close to Normandy. Whenever someone comes to visit, we take a day trip to the beaches there and remember the importance and sacrifice of freedom and liberation.

Recently we had a friend from the States visiting and we watched the series The Band of Brothers before visiting Normandy. This follows a unit of paratroopers through the liberation of Europe during World War II and tells their true stories.

Several things about this series move me deeply, including a scene showing the paralyzing fear of one particular soldier. While all of the other soldiers are running towards the enemy, not pausing with men falling dead all around them, this young man is terrified and lays in his foxhole unable to move. The shocking thing about that scene to me is not so much the one laying paralyzed from fear, but the ones running towards danger with fearless determination. Where does one get courage like that?

During a break in the fighting, a Commander comes over to speak to this fearful Private. He simply says to him, "Your problem is that you still have hope. You don't realized that you are already dead." He encourages him to fight like a dead man.

These men fought like dead men for the freedom and liberation of a world that was being taken captive one country at at time. They were fighting for ones who could not fight for themselves. Today we are in a similar battle.

"For we are not fighting against people made of flesh and blood, but against the evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against those mighty powers of darkness who rule this world, and against wicked spirits in the heavenly realms." Ephesians 6:12

In the Bible I'm told, much like that Private, that I too should consider myself already dead.

"I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me" Galatians 2:20

Sometimes "Angela" has hope that she doesn't have to die; to selfish ambition, to earthly security, to position or places of influence, to a flawless reputation, to the respect of those around me, to my rights and my conceit, to whatever has placed itself before Christ on the throne of my heart. I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. Too often I find myself cowarding in a foxhole, hoping to live, while others charge past me fearlessly liberating those being held captive. Sometimes I even fire, not at the enemy, but at whatever is trying to pull me out of my foxhole and threatens my "right to live".

I long to be fearless. I long to let my selfish ambitions and vain conceits die so that Christ can fully and completely live in me.....and turn me into a soldier who fights like a dead man! Too much is at stake for me to fight for my own rights and spend my life running after things that don't satisfy. When I stand face to face with my Savior one day, I hope to hear Him say, "Well done, fearless soldier!"

Be Still

2008-03-15T02:07:00.000-07:00

"Be still my soul: the Lord is on your side
Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain.
Leave to your God to order and provide;
In every change, He faithful will remain.
Be still my soul: your best, your heavenly Friend
Through thorny ways leads to a joyful end."

I cannot tell you how often this hymn runs through my mind. When I'm riding on the metro or in the grocery store, looking into the eyes of hurting hopeless people, I have the urge to look them in the eye and say, "Excuse me, but did you know that the God of all creation is on your side?". What a tragedy that He is and they just don't know it.

Have you ever been all alone and facing something difficult, maybe even life changing? Were you ever ganged up on as a kid by other kids and wished you had one friend beside you? Have you ever known the pain of realizing that your lonliness and the mess in your life was of your own making? Have you ever known the joy of someone coming to your rescue and realizing that there was at least one person on your side?

I can't help but think of a woman the Bible talks about and how she discovered that God was on her side. (John 8:1-11) She was caught in a terrible sinful act. She was brought into the temple, her sin announced and exposed to everyone there (including the Son of God Himself) as she stood before them. She must have known that she was being used to trap Jesus. Her sin was meant to discredit Him and make Him look bad. She stood there humiliated, guilty, worthy of death, alone, no words and no one to defend her, face to face with Jesus. That's when the unthinkable happened. She and everyone there discovered that, in spite of the fact that she was guilty and didn't deserve it, Jesus was on HER side. After silencing her accusers and sending them away, He asked her, "Where are your accusers? Has no one condemned you?" "No one sir", she must have said with disbelief. "Then neither do I condemn you. Go now and leave your life of sin." Forgiveness first, change second. The one who deserved death walked away forgiven and restored!

"Be still my soul; your God will undertake
To guide the future, as He has the past.
Your hope, your confidence let nothing shake;
All now mysterious shall be bright at last.
Be still my soul: the waves and winds still know
His voice Who ruled them while He dwelt below."

I pray that today, regardless of what you are facing and what you deserve, your soul will be still and know that He is on your side. I pray that nothing would shake your confidence or your hope. I pray that your accusers would be silenced, even if they are coming from inside of your own accusing mind and heart.

I pray that we would know the peace of having a mighty God who is always on our side!

Angela

Love

2008-02-18T08:38:00.000-08:00

Love has been in the air since Valentine's Day. My daughter, Melissa, posted a thought on her facebook last week that said she was pondering how deep and wide love is. Then Jim asked me to speak at an event on Saturday night, the topic was "Love". So love has been on my mind and I started remembering times when love amazed me most. Thus the picture of my 2 boys, Brian and Michael (taken by their sister, Rachel)!! I adore this picture of love. Brian dreamed of a brother to play soccer with, drive to McDonald's, talk about girls with, etc. His love for the brother he got instead is one of the sweetest things I've ever seen.

I have many memories of being overwhelmed by love. As Jim and I approach our 25th wedding anniversary, I am reminded of how sweet and long-lasting love can be. But there have been other times when love has amazed me. This one especially stands out in my memory: When Michael was a baby he had several surgeries. One of the most difficult to recover from was surgery on his feet. I spent 5 days in the hospital with him as he recovered. We shared a room with a mother and her baby (Kaitlyn) who also had a rare genetic syndrome. Only instead of face repairs and foot surgeries, Kaitlyn was having a shunt put in to drain fluid from her brain as she prepared for open heart surgery. Kaitlyn's deformities were sure to cut her life short. She was also blind. I didn't know it, but I was in a classroom and God was about to teach me a lot about love.

As I watched this young mother care for her baby, I caught a glimpse of real love: love that gave knowing it wouldn't receive much in return, love that gave in spite of the pain that was sure to come from loving, love that saw past the brokenness, love that knew to love would cost everything, deep, unconditional, selfless, amazing. In the night Kaitlyn would cry. Her mother couldn't pick her up since she was hooked to tubes, so she would just lay her hand on her. Kaitlyn would immediately stop crying. One night her mom was out of the room and she started to cry. I walked over and put my hand on her, exactly as I'd seen her mother do, and there was no change. This baby knew her mother's touch.

I left that hospital with a new appreciation for love. I realized that if a human can love like that, God's love must be beyond what I'll ever understand. He loves us in our brokenness, without expecting anything in return. Loving cost Him everything, even His life. What kind of love is this?

I long to know my Savior's touch like Kaitlyn knew the touch of her mother, the one whose love calmed her and gave her peace. The Bible tells me that nothing can seperate me from this love (Romans 8:35-39). Because I'm loved like this, I can give love. I won't fully understand the depth of this love on this side of heaven, but I am overwhelmed at the glimpses I get of how great it really is.

May you know the Savior's amazing love for you. And may it calm you and bring you peace.

Angela

Peace

2008-02-04T08:13:00.000-08:00

This week I was reading in a devotional book that I love, "Streams in the Desert". Right in the middle of the devotional I read this question,

"Is is possible for us who are so easily moved by earthly things to come to a point where nothing can upset us or disturb our peace?"

My eyes and my heart froze on that question. I had never thought about it like before. I have, over the years, become convinced that peace can be found in any circumstance or dark night. Peace can be RE-FOUND. For some reason I have never thought about the fact that I can STAY in a place of peace no matter what....no matter what! Is it really possible? I pondered that all week. Every scripture I read went through the filter of that looming question. Is it possible not to ever lay in bed and worry? Is it possible to look at the challenges in front of me and not feel a knot in my stomach? Is it possible to stand at a threshold, walking into total darkness and have complete peace? Is it possible to face unbelievable grief and not lose hope? I knew I had to figure it out, because if that is possible then I WANT IT!

As I read and pondered, the question changed. New questions formed: "Do I believe that God is always FOR me? (Rom 8:31) Do I believe that HE guards all that is mine? (PS 16) Do I believe He is compassionate and gracious? (PS 103) Do I believe that He is able? (Eph 3:20)

As I think back over my life, I realize that too many times I have let circumstances shake my confidence in my Savior. I, like the disciples, stand in my boat, drinched, with the waves crashing around me and I scream out, "I'm going to drown here! Are you sleeping or what??" (Matt 8, my translation) Jesus said to them and says to me, "Where is your faith? What in the world has your confidence been in anyway? In smooth waters?"

So now my question is this, Why would I get upset or lose my peace for even one minute except that my confidence is not fully in Him? My faith is weak.

I couldn't read the Bible for very long without coming to the conclusion that..Yes, it is possible to live every minute in a place of peace, unshakable. So many have gone before me, lived much harder things than I ever will, and kept peace and faith.

"Those who trust in the Lord are like Mount Zion, which cannot be shaken but endures forever." PS 125:1

"God is in the midst of her, she will not be moved; God will help her when morning dawns." PS 46:5

So my prayer today is, "Give me faith like that, Lord. Shake up whatever needs to be shaken in my life to take me to the point where I can no longer be shaken by anything or lose my peace.

I surrender: my life, my earthly possessions, my reputation, my health, my loved ones, my relationships, my hopes and dreams. These are the things that I hold tightly and lose my peace over when they are threatened. Now they are Yours to guard, to give, or to take."

May we learn how to live in a place of peace, no matter what is going on around or inside of us.

He alone is our peace! Eph 2:14

Thankful

2008-01-22T10:09:00.000-08:00

I don't know about you, but every now and then I have a pity party (as my mom used to call it). That is, I just feel sorry for myself. When my kids left France after Christmas, to go back to school in the States, I sat down and had myself a good old fashioned pity party. Other factors contributed to my inviting myself to this party. I won't get into all of those though, or I'd just be reliving my party.

Now, let me be clear about one thing, this is not a happy party. It doesn't make you feel better than when you arrived, in fact it makes you feel worse. It's not even fun, but I wasn't sure how to pull myself out of it. So I went to God in prayer and was completely honest. I went through all of the reasons that I felt had contributed to my state of mind and my sadness. I even told Him that I felt like He had asked too much of me. A verse kept running through my mind as I told Him my list:

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." Matthew 11:28-30

I kept thinking, that's funny, what I'm carrying doesn't feel easy or light. I also remembered verses that tell me to thank God in all things. So I stopped making my list and started a list of what I'm thankful for. By the time I was done, the party was over. I felt blessed, protected, provided for, loved, and like one who has more than they deserve. As I thanked Him, I did feel rest was near and the burden felt light. So, here are a few of the things that were on my thankful list. I'm not sure why I keep having to learn this lesson over and over. But I'm so glad I have a God who doesn't get tired of teaching me!

I'm thankful because:

I have always been loved. I have never lived a day that I wasn't truly loved....by parents, by grandparents, by sisters, by my husband, by my kids, by friends. I have known real love.

I have never had a day in my life when I didn't have food and shelter.

I've never been cold without a way to get warm.

I've never walked through a crisis alone.

I've never been seriously persecuted for my faith.

I've always had access to a Bible.

I've never lost anything that couldn't be replaced.

I've known the love of a Savior who left heaven to rescue me in my lostness.

I read a quote by Dennis Jernigan once that said, "Contentment is attainable depending on which list you focus on, what God has done or what He hasn't done." Our lists probably differ some, but I hope we can all stay focused on what He has done for us!

May your burden be light and may you know real peace and joy!

Angela

Limits

2008-01-03T23:52:00.001-08:00

This is a picture of our Christmas gift from God. As we began to open our gifts, we looked out of the window and saw the most beautiful sunrise I have ever seen. The pictures we took don’t do it justice. I’m sure we were not as overwhelmed or impressed as we should have been at how great and awesome God really is!

Limits….this is what has been on my mind for several days, maybe even weeks. Every single life has them. We are limited physically, emotionally, mentally, and in every area of our lives. Even our time and energy are limited. We all seem to constantly try to push back the limits. For example, we try to go with as little sleep as possible when God clearly meant for us to sleep. I wonder why we feel like sleep is a bad, lazy thing to do? My pastor once said, “If our goal is to be more Christ-like and a lack of sleep makes us irritable and short with people (clearly not like Christ at all), then it must be that getting enough sleep is a Christ-like thing to do”. But we not only push that limit, everyone around me (including the person I look at in the mirror every morning) seems dissatisfied with what they are able to accomplish. We are frustrated with having limits, we work hard to eliminate them, we see our limits as the enemy, as weakness.

It also seems that each life has different limits. So, does God “bring” these limitations into our lives or does He “allow” them? That is a discussion I will leave to people much more educated and wise than myself. I have long ago let that one go and have simply tried to trust God more with what He has “given” or “allowed”.

As Jim and I look at our future and pray about direction, we are well aware that the limits in our lives are very different than what we thought they would be. As we face our 50s, we realize that life doesn’t look like we thought it would when we were dreaming and praying during our 20s. Being the parents of a handicapped child makes this new approaching season look very different than we thought it would. We have other limitations too, of course.

We are maybe a bit more realistic as we plan these days. The whole of France probably won’t come to know Christ during our lifetimes!! We won’t ever have an empty nest that gives us freedom to pick up and go at a moment’s notice. We will most likely not live near each of our children as they begin their families and start their lives as adults. And on and on I could go. Life took twists and turns that we didn’t expect, and we turned out to be way more limited and fragile than we thought.

On the other hand, God turned out to be way more loving and sufficient than we ever dreamed. You see, my plan was to be incredibly successful and productive. God’s plan was to show me how great He is when I am weak….how sufficient He is when I’ve reached my limits and can go no farther. It’s often in that place that He uses me in ways I never thought possible. My plan was to somehow become perfect, but His plan was to show me my need for a Savior. My plan was to show thousands of people the love of God, His plan was to show me how deep His love is by having me love one very limited little boy. Amazingly, HE doesn't seem to be limited or bothered at all by MY limitations and smallness.

So I sit here today, embracing the limits that God has allowed or given. He could have created us without needing anything from Him…..without limits. We don’t all have a handicapped child, but we each have the “limit” that we have to deal with. In the Bible, Paul called his a “thorn in the flesh”. He asked God to remove it. Surely he would have been more productive and fruitful without that limit, whatever it was. But God chose to leave it….maybe to remind Paul that He needed a strength that was not his own. Maybe to remind him each day that He was in desperate need of a Savior.

I’m very close to the place where I am thanking God for my limits instead of trying to ignore that I have them and getting frustrated when they prevent me from doing all that I want to do. The amazing sunrise on Christmas morning reminds me that I have a God with no limits. He is great, I am small. All is as it should be. All is well.

Angela

A Child Is Born

2007-12-20T08:54:00.000-08:00

A child was born into our lives that changed them forever. No, I'm not talking about the baby Jesus whose birthday the world celebrates this month, although we celebrate that birth with all of our hearts. 13 years ago today Michael was born into our family. The world would not have called him a beautiful baby with his deformities and challenges, but we all 5 fell in love with him instantly and welcomed whatever loving him would require of each one of us. He has taught us more and changed us in more ways than I could possibly write down. But one of the ongoing themes in my life since his birth is accepting the task that God gives me and doing all that He gives me to do with all of my heart.

I heard a speaker a couple of years ago talk about a writing class he took during his graduate studies. He wrote a paper that he researched for weeks, spent hours writing and re-writing, and was very pleased with his final paper. When he got the paper back, the writing in red on the top of the page said, "Brilliant research, Very creatively written, Amazing insight...... F (you did the wrong assignment)". That has stayed with me because it made me think of the many times that I work hard at things God has not asked me to do.....often avoiding the things He HAS asked me to do. He presses me to reach out to a difficult neighbor and I sign up to serve at a soup kitchen instead. He asks me to work with all of my heart to reconcile with a family member and I quickly sign up for a mission trip, or give to a service project. He asks me to stay up all night with a sick child and I leave him with a sitter to go and sing for a church service. Don't get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with serving the poor, going on mission trips, singing at church and every other good thing you can imagine. I've just learned that I need to spend more time seeking God about what good thing He's asking me to do instead of looking for good things to do. Normally the thing He's asking of me is already right on my doorstep or in my lap!

So today as my family looks back at 13 years with Michael, we are amazed at God's grace and His sustaining love and power. We are amazed at how He takes what seems to be an insignificant task and uses it to touch people around us. We are amazed at how much we can love a broken little boy and therefore amazed at how much God loves a broken world and broken people like ourselves. For all of it, we are grateful!

May your Christmas be filled with joy and peace and love......And may 2008 be a year of seeking your Savior and doing the task HE assigns with all of your heart!

Thanks for logging on
Angela

Walking on Water

2007-11-23T03:01:00.000-08:00

Happy Thanksgiving everyone! It's a bit strange to be in a country where Thanksgiving Day is just another work day. But on Sunday we will have a big Thanksgiving meal at our house with about 20 people. It'll be very traditional and my French friends love experiencing an American Thanksgiving.

It's hard to believe that a week ago I was in Columbia, Missouri having just spent a weekend in Cape Girardeau as well. It all was so much fun and so amazing to see how God loves each and every person and continues to meet each one right where they are. What a sweet love story we each are living, some of just don't realize it yet!

After speaking to a group of women last Thursday morning, I sat in on one of their small group discussions. They are working through the book, "If You Want to Walk on Water, You've Got to Get Out of the Boat" by John Ortberg. Great book by the way. I made a comment to them that if I were writing a book right now it would be, "If You Fall Out of the Boat, You Might as Well Walk on the Water". I was kidding, of course....or at least I thought so.

As I thought about that later I thought about how many of us end up walking through situations and circumstances that we never would have agreed to walk through. I know for my life, the things that people notice most about what I live are things that I NEVER would have agreed to. Sometimes I feel more like I'm going down into the water rather than walking. But what seems to amaze everyone the most is that I'm standing and experiencing God's amazing peace and grace through it all. I never saw myself as a missionary, a speaker, or a candidate to mother a handicapped child. I never in a million years would have gotten out of the boat and walked on water through those things. But God nudged me (OK, PUSHED me) out of the boat of safety, the familiar, and what I was willing to do. The greatest part of all is that HE is carrying me and sustaining me as I continue to learn to walk, with His grace and peace, on the water!

I pray that you too will know His peace and grace through whatever water you find yourself walking on...whether you bravely got out of the boat of comfort and safety or fell out or was pushed out. His grace is sufficient and you will find Him to be faithful with every step and even when you feel the water rising dangerously high!

Bisous!
Angela

Getting Started

2007-10-28T13:35:00.000-07:00

Last spring my friend, Wendy, was visiting me in Paris. We were talking about my upcoming trip to Missouri for a Women's Conference and she asked me if I'd start a blog so that people will be able to keep in touch after the conference. So, here it is. I had to wait until I had another friend, Jan, here to help me know what the heck a blog was and how to set one up! So thanks for your help, Girls, here we go!!

In less than two weeks I'll be in Cape Girardeau at La Croix Church to share at a weekend for women. Chris, the music minister, wrote and asked me what I wanted to see happen during the weekend. That was a very good question that I had to really think about. Of course I want women to enjoy being together, have fun, be refreshed, learn a thing or two, but I realized that more than anything I want them to fall in love with Jesus.

After Cape Girardeau I'll be in Columbia, Missouri at Woodcrest Chapel, then on to Chattanooga. I'll be back in Paris on November 20, just in time for a major train strike that will leave me jetlagged and wondering how to get home!!

I hope to post on a regular basis, unless of course I decide to go on strike myself...or never find a way home from the airport!!

Thanks for logging on. Hope to see you here very often!

Angela

For more info on the conference go to http://www.lacroixchurch.org/.

For info on Woodcrest Chapel in Columbia, go to www.woodcrest.org