Accepted

Have you ever been overwhelmed by the fact that we get to come into the presence of the God of all creation....just as we are?

We lived in France for 3 years before we found a school that would accept Michael. I'm talking about schools FOR handicapped children. They are full and getting a place for your child in one is next to impossible.

The process goes like this: a place comes open in a school, they let 3 or 4 children come in for a "3 day trial period", after the trial periods they choose which child gets the open spot. I can't remember how many "trials" we went through and were told each time that Michael had not been accepted. It was always for different reasons, all having to do with his disabilities: his behavioral issues, the fact that he was still in diapers, his inability to communicate, etc. I cannot tell you how painful that was each time it happened.

I began to despair and wondered why on earth God had called us there. At the beginning of our 4th year in France a school called with an opening and said they wanted to give Michael a 5 day trial to see if he could adjust. Everyday of that week I would walk him to the door with my heart pounding and resisting the urge to fall at their feet and beg them to accept and love my son just as he was, handicaps and all.

After I would drop him off I would go home, close my bedroom door and pray. I would ask, no I would beg, God to be with Michael, to give him favor, to help him cooperate. One morning I drove home angry with how wrong it was for a system to ask an already challenged child to prove himself before he was accepted. I closed my door that morning and expressed that to God, then I started in with...please give Michael favor today....

I was suddenly struck with the realization of what a miracle it is that I can come bravely before the throne of God....just as I am, handicaps and all....and I am completely and wholly accepted. I never have to fall at His feet and beg him to accept and love me. What Jesus did for me at the cross covers my sin and brokenness. I realized that my son compared to a "normal" child is nothing compared to the difference between me and the holiness of God. Why had I never realized how huge that is before.

What a privilege to have and to serve a God like that!

Conditional Faith

I'm on week 6 of a Beth Moore Bible Study called Esther. As usual, her study has really challenged and encouraged me. Amazing!

Last night she made several points that really struck me. One of them was about conditional faith and fear. Conditional faith is where our trust in God is that He will protect us from something....I trust that God will not let "this" happen. Tested and genuine faith says I trust God even if "this" does happen. Our "this" can be several things or one overwhelming fear that we don't think we could face. For Esther is was death, "If I perish, I perish".

One of my "this" conditions was that I would have healthy children. Surely if God is good then He would give me healthy children. When Michael was born with multiple problems I was faced with a huge question, "Is God really good?" He didn't protect me from my "this". It truly put my faith to the test and, in the end, moved me from conditional faith to real faith.

What I found to be a life-changing truth, and what Beth Moore pointed out in her study, is that God is faithful. God is good and He can care for me and lift me back up on my feet even when "this" happens. I'm no longer afraid of "this".

When we get to the place where we say "If I perish, I perish" or "If 'this', then God will be faithful to me and provide for me" then we are free. We are free from fear and free to trust God with all of our hearts. We are free to bravely go where He calls us to go, to love whomever He calls us to love, to sacrifice whatever He might ask us to sacrifice. Once we know that He is enough, then we are truly free and will carry a lighter weight than we've carried before!

"The LORD is with me; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me?"
Psalm 118:6

Weary

Sometimes I am just weary, worn out. There are mornings when I wake up and I'm not sure where I will get the energy to go through the day. On those days I am so glad to know that my God does not ever grow weary and never wonders where He is going to get the energy to get ME through the day.

"Have you never heard? Have you never understood? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of all the earth. He never grows weak or weary. No one can measure the depths of His understanding.

He gives power to the weak and strength to the powerless. Even youths become weary and tired, and young men will fall in exhaustion.

But those who trust in the Lord will find new strength. They will soar high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint." Isaiah 40:28-31

So once again my job is simply to trust Him. He doesn't promise to wave a magic wand and remove all the things that make me feel weary, but He does promise to give me strength when I am powerless and power when I am weak.

At the end of the day I look back and I can see how He has been faithful and has carried me through even the most exhausting days!

His Responsibility

One of the greatest things about my new job is the amazing people I get to be around. One of those is a pastor from "the hood" (as he calls it), Pastor Thomas. Pastor Thomas is close to 70 years old, has walked with Christ his whole life, lead a church on the south side of Cape Girardeau for all of his adult life, raised 8 children, has been married for 47 years, had a second job for years with Fed Ex so that he could put shoes on children's feet for school (not his own children, by the way) and is one of the most godly and humble people I've ever met. Our church partners with his and some of us meet together every Wednesday morning. We mostly sit and listen to Pastor Thomas give words of wisdom on whatever subject comes up. I think I'm going to start shamelessly taking notes while he talks or bring a tape recorder.

Yesterday he was telling the story about God providing a house for him when his was falling down around him and full of black mold (an amazing story of God's faithfulness and of waiting on God instead of taking matters into our own hands!). He made a statement that will stay with me forever. He said, "I decided that I am God's responsibility and it was up to Him to take care of and provide for me".

I am God's responsibility. Today I'm trying to let that really soak in and penetrate my heart so that I can trust and serve God like Pastor Thomas does.

I guess that is what God has been teaching me my whole life. The Bible says that I'm not supposed to worry about what I'll wear or eat....I'm God's responsibility to provide for. It says that God is the one who opens doors and closes them, that I should cast all of my cares onto Him, that I can have peace in times of hardship and famine, that He is my healer, that He sees when I come and when I go (His eye is always on me), and on and on it goes. All because I am His responsibility.

And all those I care for so deeply are His responsibility as well. My husband, my children, my friends, my parents, etc. Even Michael is His responsibility.

How freeing is that? Once again I'm reminded that MY job is to obey Him and GOD'S job is to take care of me and all that I call mine! I guess that is what makes the yoke easy and the burden light!

I think I'll sleep better tonight. Thank you, Pastor Thomas.

Without Complaining

“Do everything without complaining or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure, children of God without fault in a crooked and depraved generation, in which you shine like stars in the universe as you hold out the word of life “ Philippians 2:14-16a

This morning I got up feeling VERY grumpy. Michael is back in a pattern of not sleeping. This is a symptom of his syndrome, although no one knows why. He can go months and even years with only 3 or 4 hours of sleep a night. But we've been on a good roll until about 2 weeks ago and now we're not sleeping again.

So I got up this morning and was not a happy camper...to say the least. I was about to register my complaint with God (or write an email to a sister or friend who I knew would care and feel bad for me) when this verse ran through my mind. I made my kids memorize it when they were little because I didn't want them to complain or argue!! Suddenly the table was turned and the verse applied to me! And there is a powerful principle here.

Don’t you just hate it when the Bible uses words like “everything” and “never”. I would rather that verse say, “Do most things without complaining or arguing” or “Only complain and argue when things are really bad”. But this passage says “everything”. And it also says that when we live without complaining we will shine like stars and we will be better positioned to hold out the word of life to a lost and dying world.

I know that the greatest impact my family has had is in living life with a handicapped child with hope and with grace. When people see you living a hard thing without complaining, they need to know how. And then the door is wide open to share words of life and truth, we only live this way because we have a grace and a strength that is not our own! (don't misunderstand, I've done plenty of complaining...I just see the difference between when I do and when I don't)

But, you might ask...or at least I have asked....how will people know I'm living a hard thing if I don't tell them?? What I'm learning is that God knows and that is enough. It's the relying on His strength to carry on with joy that changes things in my heart and allows me to offer hope to others. The Bible says He is the "One who sees". He knows, He cares and that is enough....well, on most days..I'm getting there!

So I'm going back to what I wrote long ago and I'm restarting my day by focusing on what God HAS done for me and all that I have to be thankful for. He is gracious and has given me way more than I deserve!

There are just too many people who need to hear the words of life for me to forfeit the opportunity by being a complainer!

Handicap

This morning Michael was watching TV in his room. As I walked by his door, a great song started playing. So I walked in his room and started dancing. I don’t dance well, so I don’t do that in front of very many people. Michael jumped up and started dancing with me. So there we were….a lady who is not a dancer and probably too old to be dancing around like that and a boy whose feet are so crooked that he shouldn’t be walking, much less dancing on them! We had a blast.

In France I had a handicapped son. I’m learning that in America I’m not supposed to say “handicapped”, so I have a son with special needs. But personally I like the word “handicap”. Among the definitions for handicap that I found was this: “A disadvantage given to a superior contender to level the playing field” and ”an additional weight or other hindrance imposed upon the one possessing superior advantages, in order to equalize, as much as possible, the chances of success” That makes me think of the verse that says that we each have a race marked out for us. My Michael runs his with a “handicap”. There must be something about his heart that made him “special”, a superior contender. Maybe instead of having a child with "special needs" we should say we have a child who is a "superior contender".

Of course I don’t want to ignore the fact that there is heartache involved in loving a child who is handicapped. Another definition was: “something that makes progress difficult”. I remember a scene from the movie “Ray” about the life of Ray Charles. In the scene, the little boy had gone blind and was feeling his way around a room. His mother was standing in the corner, quiet, not letting him know she was there, and crying as she watched him struggle and feel his way around, both of them adjusting to life with this “handicap”. That scene took me off guard and touched a pain deep in my heart and made me weep! There is certainly pain involved in being “handicapped” or in loving a “handicapped” person and watching them go through life with progress being difficult.

As I walked out of his room this morning, out of breath from dancing and sad that things jiggle that didn’t use to jiggle….but that’s another subject, I thought about how I need to be more like Michael. Michael doesn’t know the concept of “us and them”, we’re just all us. He laughs when something is funny and cries when he is sad, regardless of where he is, who is watching and what they might think. He doesn’t judge people for dancing poorly or for dancing at all. He gives high fives to strangers at basketball games, he cheers for the losers and the winners, he doesn’t worry about what people think of him, he loves everyone.

So I’ve decided that more people need a “handicapped” or “special needs person” in their life. I think I’ll start being a handicapped mother, a friend with special needs, a wife with special needs….one who doesn’t judge, one who accepts everyone, one who jumps up and starts dancing with people regardless of how good or bad they dance. One who cheers for the winners and the losers the same, one who doesn’t see anyone for what they can or cannot do or how they look or smell or succeed or fail.

However I don’t think I'll drink out of strangers' cups at McDonald’s.........

Control

"I said to the Lord, 'You are my Master! Every good thing I have comes from you.' Lord, you alone are my inheritance, my cup of blessing. You guard all that is mine." Psalm 16: 2,5

These verses have been an overriding theme for me for a while. I'm not sure I still get the full impact that "every good thing I have comes from my Lord" and "He guards all that is mine". But as I've gone through this season of uprooting, trusting, leaving, moving forward (into the complete unknown at times) I have started to understand some things better.

If every good thing I have comes from Him, that means that I don't have what I have because I have worked for it or earned it or even because I deserve it. If HE alone is my inheritance, then it has nothing to do with what I have anyway. He is enough. He is my reward. And if He guards all that is mine, then I am free from fear or worry about what I might lose. I will surely lose things, but never because of something I did or did not do. He is sovereign. He is in control and I am not.

A couple of years ago I was laying in bed and praying about all that I was trusting God for. I don't even remember all that was on my list that night. But I was praying and assuring the Lord that I was trusting Him to provide for all that I had just talked to Him about. Suddenly I had a thought (personally I think it was God whispering to my heart): What if, instead of trusting God to provide all that I need, I trusted instead that what He does provide is all I need. What if following Him and surrendering all to Him has less to do with trusting Him with my list (and how I'm sure things should play out) and more about abandoning all to Him to the point that I spend more time in prayer surrendering to Him and less time filling Him in on how things should happen. That thought changed my life. I felt a freedom that I had never felt before. Even in the chaos and uncertainty of life, it finally felt like there was control and order....and it was all way beyond me and even beyond my ability to understand.

The Bible does tell me to bring my requests to Him and to pray without ceasing, but it also tells me not to be anxious about anything. I guess that means that I bear my heart and soul to Him, even express to Him how I long for things to go and then leave it all in His care, trusting that He guards all that is mine and can be trusted.

So that brings me to today. Today I sit in my own house in Cape Girardeau: one of the things I surrendered long ago was the right to ever own a home again. What a gift and surprise this house is! I started a new job a couple of weeks ago and after 10 months of transition and waiting for God to show us the way forward, He has provided and blessed beyond my wildest dreams. I'm reminding myself to hold all things loosely though, because He still has the right to all that I like to call mine!

Our first weekend here we had a rough start. Rachel's dog, Chandler, had gotten very sick and died in her arms while she was at home alone with him. The very next night I got hit head on by a drunk driver and I was in my friend, Wendy's, van. The EMT told me as he drove me away from the accident that not many people walk away from accidents like that one. And I didn't even have the first bruise.

It reminded me of something Mimi wrote when she had been in a terrible accident her first year back in the States and her first year away from us. She called it "Friday: the day I did not die". Here's what she wrote at the end:

"I think that if anything this feels like a somewhat appropriate culmination of this year. Because the residing theme seemed to be: I am not in control. And: God is.

I am not afraid. and I'm not shaking and I'm not spending time wondering what if. Because although I cannot fully protect the things I own, I know he can. And it's enough.

it all sounds crazy.

So, for now I am grateful that Friday was not the day I died, and that all the days to come have already been seen and are known

and that I do not have"

I'm grateful today for all that God has given me and blessed me with. I'm grateful for the ways He has protected my family and led us, at least for now, to a place of peace and surrounded by an unbelievably loving church. I'm grateful that in times of loss, He upholds us. I'm grateful not to be in control.

But most of all, I'm grateful that HE guards all that is mine. I'm grateful that I can lay all that I love and care about at His feet and trust Him completely. I'm grateful that He knows what is best for me. I'm grateful that no matter what I lose or keep or gain, He is always with me and will never leave me or forsake me. He is my inheritance and nothing on heaven or earth can take that away from me!