Run

I'm training to run a half marathon! My goals, besides actually running the 13 miles, are not to whine or over analyze the experience. Having said that, let me share my analysis thus far:

I've never been a runner, and I'm not sure what possessed me to try it. Now that 2 of my sisters are training and going to run it with me, I can't possibly back out! But I've discovered that it is an amazing experience to push yourself to keep going when everything in you is screaming for you to stop. When my lungs and legs are yelling, "Don't go one more step...WALK....STOP...I can't do it....this is not worth it...." I only reach my goal when my mind has decided, before I even start, how far I will go before I stop. As I ran this morning I thought about how my spiritual "run" is much the same.

There are phases in my life when my heart and mind scream, "God's not coming through.... find another way.....He's not going to be faithful.....stop waiting.....this is too hard...He's asked too much...is it worth it???" In those moments it is only my history with God and the fact that I decided a long time ago to trust Him, no matter what, that keep me going.

The other thing I've learned is that it's more about endurance than it is about speed. I don't really care how fast I run the race, but I care a lot about actually fininshing it. Again the same can be said for our spiritual lives. To "run" well for the long haul is what really matters. I so often get in a hurry or impatient with God and want Him to do things fast. I even want Him to do His work in my heart fast. But I'm learning that He does things well and at just the right time. He's not too worried about my timing!

My goal for running is to be ready and to finish that 13 mile run. My goal spiritually is to trust Him no matter what, to finish this "race" well, and to be totally abandoned to Christ until this race is run!

"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us." Hebrews 12:1

So much for not over analysing....I'm still not whining though!

A Life that Counts

Years ago my grandmother got too feeble to live by herself, so she moved in with my parents.  When I would go visit my parents, I would watch her putter around the house with her walker and grow more feeble and forgetful as the years passed.  It got to a point where she couldn't hear the TV well enough to watch it anymore, couldn't see well enough to read and had lost too many friends and family to have visitors.  

On one of those visits I wondered why God would leave someone on earth after the point that they were ready to go, after most of their loved ones had gone before them and when they were in so much pain.  One night I walked by her room and saw my 4 year old, Rachel, sitting on the side of Grandmother's bed, tucking her in and talking to her.  God whispered to my heart, "That's why."  

My friend Wendy just got diagnosed with a tumor on the lining of her brain.  She's one of the most selfless and loving people I know.  She has truly given God control of her life.  She told me that she is expecting to see "fireworks" from God through all of this.  She expects Him to use her life, even in her most feeble moments.

My family was blessed to have been able to love our grandmother in her old age. 

Our church family will now be blessed to be able to step up and care for Wendy and her family as they go through these difficult months of surgery and recovery and the unknown.  It reminds me that each of our lives is about more than just a solitary life.  We are intertwined, God uses one life to touch and teach another.  

When we tell God that He can use us, we expect Him to give us a task, to show us where to serve.  Sometimes though we tell Him that our life belongs to Him and He allows us to become the task.  It's much easier when God lets me stay the strong one, sends me to care for and love hurting, sick or broken people.  But what about the times that He takes my life and uses it to teach others to care for and love one in need?  What about when I become the broken and needy one?  Am I really willing for Him to use my life however HE sees fit and in whatever way will bring Him the most glory?  

To trust Him is that place is real and selfless faith!  

My grandmother and Wendy have taught me more than they will ever know.

Accepted

Have you ever been overwhelmed by the fact that we get to come into the presence of the God of all creation....just as we are?

We lived in France for 3 years before we found a school that would accept Michael. I'm talking about schools FOR handicapped children. They are full and getting a place for your child in one is next to impossible.

The process goes like this: a place comes open in a school, they let 3 or 4 children come in for a "3 day trial period", after the trial periods they choose which child gets the open spot. I can't remember how many "trials" we went through and were told each time that Michael had not been accepted. It was always for different reasons, all having to do with his disabilities: his behavioral issues, the fact that he was still in diapers, his inability to communicate, etc. I cannot tell you how painful that was each time it happened.

I began to despair and wondered why on earth God had called us there. At the beginning of our 4th year in France a school called with an opening and said they wanted to give Michael a 5 day trial to see if he could adjust. Everyday of that week I would walk him to the door with my heart pounding and resisting the urge to fall at their feet and beg them to accept and love my son just as he was, handicaps and all.

After I would drop him off I would go home, close my bedroom door and pray. I would ask, no I would beg, God to be with Michael, to give him favor, to help him cooperate. One morning I drove home angry with how wrong it was for a system to ask an already challenged child to prove himself before he was accepted. I closed my door that morning and expressed that to God, then I started in with...please give Michael favor today....

I was suddenly struck with the realization of what a miracle it is that I can come bravely before the throne of God....just as I am, handicaps and all....and I am completely and wholly accepted. I never have to fall at His feet and beg him to accept and love me. What Jesus did for me at the cross covers my sin and brokenness. I realized that my son compared to a "normal" child is nothing compared to the difference between me and the holiness of God. Why had I never realized how huge that is before.

What a privilege to have and to serve a God like that!

Conditional Faith

I'm on week 6 of a Beth Moore Bible Study called Esther. As usual, her study has really challenged and encouraged me. Amazing!

Last night she made several points that really struck me. One of them was about conditional faith and fear. Conditional faith is where our trust in God is that He will protect us from something....I trust that God will not let "this" happen. Tested and genuine faith says I trust God even if "this" does happen. Our "this" can be several things or one overwhelming fear that we don't think we could face. For Esther is was death, "If I perish, I perish".

One of my "this" conditions was that I would have healthy children. Surely if God is good then He would give me healthy children. When Michael was born with multiple problems I was faced with a huge question, "Is God really good?" He didn't protect me from my "this". It truly put my faith to the test and, in the end, moved me from conditional faith to real faith.

What I found to be a life-changing truth, and what Beth Moore pointed out in her study, is that God is faithful. God is good and He can care for me and lift me back up on my feet even when "this" happens. I'm no longer afraid of "this".

When we get to the place where we say "If I perish, I perish" or "If 'this', then God will be faithful to me and provide for me" then we are free. We are free from fear and free to trust God with all of our hearts. We are free to bravely go where He calls us to go, to love whomever He calls us to love, to sacrifice whatever He might ask us to sacrifice. Once we know that He is enough, then we are truly free and will carry a lighter weight than we've carried before!

"The LORD is with me; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me?"
Psalm 118:6

Weary

Sometimes I am just weary, worn out. There are mornings when I wake up and I'm not sure where I will get the energy to go through the day. On those days I am so glad to know that my God does not ever grow weary and never wonders where He is going to get the energy to get ME through the day.

"Have you never heard? Have you never understood? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of all the earth. He never grows weak or weary. No one can measure the depths of His understanding.

He gives power to the weak and strength to the powerless. Even youths become weary and tired, and young men will fall in exhaustion.

But those who trust in the Lord will find new strength. They will soar high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint." Isaiah 40:28-31

So once again my job is simply to trust Him. He doesn't promise to wave a magic wand and remove all the things that make me feel weary, but He does promise to give me strength when I am powerless and power when I am weak.

At the end of the day I look back and I can see how He has been faithful and has carried me through even the most exhausting days!

His Responsibility

One of the greatest things about my new job is the amazing people I get to be around. One of those is a pastor from "the hood" (as he calls it), Pastor Thomas. Pastor Thomas is close to 70 years old, has walked with Christ his whole life, lead a church on the south side of Cape Girardeau for all of his adult life, raised 8 children, has been married for 47 years, had a second job for years with Fed Ex so that he could put shoes on children's feet for school (not his own children, by the way) and is one of the most godly and humble people I've ever met. Our church partners with his and some of us meet together every Wednesday morning. We mostly sit and listen to Pastor Thomas give words of wisdom on whatever subject comes up. I think I'm going to start shamelessly taking notes while he talks or bring a tape recorder.

Yesterday he was telling the story about God providing a house for him when his was falling down around him and full of black mold (an amazing story of God's faithfulness and of waiting on God instead of taking matters into our own hands!). He made a statement that will stay with me forever. He said, "I decided that I am God's responsibility and it was up to Him to take care of and provide for me".

I am God's responsibility. Today I'm trying to let that really soak in and penetrate my heart so that I can trust and serve God like Pastor Thomas does.

I guess that is what God has been teaching me my whole life. The Bible says that I'm not supposed to worry about what I'll wear or eat....I'm God's responsibility to provide for. It says that God is the one who opens doors and closes them, that I should cast all of my cares onto Him, that I can have peace in times of hardship and famine, that He is my healer, that He sees when I come and when I go (His eye is always on me), and on and on it goes. All because I am His responsibility.

And all those I care for so deeply are His responsibility as well. My husband, my children, my friends, my parents, etc. Even Michael is His responsibility.

How freeing is that? Once again I'm reminded that MY job is to obey Him and GOD'S job is to take care of me and all that I call mine! I guess that is what makes the yoke easy and the burden light!

I think I'll sleep better tonight. Thank you, Pastor Thomas.

Without Complaining

“Do everything without complaining or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure, children of God without fault in a crooked and depraved generation, in which you shine like stars in the universe as you hold out the word of life “ Philippians 2:14-16a

This morning I got up feeling VERY grumpy. Michael is back in a pattern of not sleeping. This is a symptom of his syndrome, although no one knows why. He can go months and even years with only 3 or 4 hours of sleep a night. But we've been on a good roll until about 2 weeks ago and now we're not sleeping again.

So I got up this morning and was not a happy camper...to say the least. I was about to register my complaint with God (or write an email to a sister or friend who I knew would care and feel bad for me) when this verse ran through my mind. I made my kids memorize it when they were little because I didn't want them to complain or argue!! Suddenly the table was turned and the verse applied to me! And there is a powerful principle here.

Don’t you just hate it when the Bible uses words like “everything” and “never”. I would rather that verse say, “Do most things without complaining or arguing” or “Only complain and argue when things are really bad”. But this passage says “everything”. And it also says that when we live without complaining we will shine like stars and we will be better positioned to hold out the word of life to a lost and dying world.

I know that the greatest impact my family has had is in living life with a handicapped child with hope and with grace. When people see you living a hard thing without complaining, they need to know how. And then the door is wide open to share words of life and truth, we only live this way because we have a grace and a strength that is not our own! (don't misunderstand, I've done plenty of complaining...I just see the difference between when I do and when I don't)

But, you might ask...or at least I have asked....how will people know I'm living a hard thing if I don't tell them?? What I'm learning is that God knows and that is enough. It's the relying on His strength to carry on with joy that changes things in my heart and allows me to offer hope to others. The Bible says He is the "One who sees". He knows, He cares and that is enough....well, on most days..I'm getting there!

So I'm going back to what I wrote long ago and I'm restarting my day by focusing on what God HAS done for me and all that I have to be thankful for. He is gracious and has given me way more than I deserve!

There are just too many people who need to hear the words of life for me to forfeit the opportunity by being a complainer!