Control

"I said to the Lord, 'You are my Master! Every good thing I have comes from you.' Lord, you alone are my inheritance, my cup of blessing. You guard all that is mine." Psalm 16: 2,5

These verses have been an overriding theme for me for a while. I'm not sure I still get the full impact that "every good thing I have comes from my Lord" and "He guards all that is mine". But as I've gone through this season of uprooting, trusting, leaving, moving forward (into the complete unknown at times) I have started to understand some things better.

If every good thing I have comes from Him, that means that I don't have what I have because I have worked for it or earned it or even because I deserve it. If HE alone is my inheritance, then it has nothing to do with what I have anyway. He is enough. He is my reward. And if He guards all that is mine, then I am free from fear or worry about what I might lose. I will surely lose things, but never because of something I did or did not do. He is sovereign. He is in control and I am not.

A couple of years ago I was laying in bed and praying about all that I was trusting God for. I don't even remember all that was on my list that night. But I was praying and assuring the Lord that I was trusting Him to provide for all that I had just talked to Him about. Suddenly I had a thought (personally I think it was God whispering to my heart): What if, instead of trusting God to provide all that I need, I trusted instead that what He does provide is all I need. What if following Him and surrendering all to Him has less to do with trusting Him with my list (and how I'm sure things should play out) and more about abandoning all to Him to the point that I spend more time in prayer surrendering to Him and less time filling Him in on how things should happen. That thought changed my life. I felt a freedom that I had never felt before. Even in the chaos and uncertainty of life, it finally felt like there was control and order....and it was all way beyond me and even beyond my ability to understand.

The Bible does tell me to bring my requests to Him and to pray without ceasing, but it also tells me not to be anxious about anything. I guess that means that I bear my heart and soul to Him, even express to Him how I long for things to go and then leave it all in His care, trusting that He guards all that is mine and can be trusted.

So that brings me to today. Today I sit in my own house in Cape Girardeau: one of the things I surrendered long ago was the right to ever own a home again. What a gift and surprise this house is! I started a new job a couple of weeks ago and after 10 months of transition and waiting for God to show us the way forward, He has provided and blessed beyond my wildest dreams. I'm reminding myself to hold all things loosely though, because He still has the right to all that I like to call mine!

Our first weekend here we had a rough start. Rachel's dog, Chandler, had gotten very sick and died in her arms while she was at home alone with him. The very next night I got hit head on by a drunk driver and I was in my friend, Wendy's, van. The EMT told me as he drove me away from the accident that not many people walk away from accidents like that one. And I didn't even have the first bruise.

It reminded me of something Mimi wrote when she had been in a terrible accident her first year back in the States and her first year away from us. She called it "Friday: the day I did not die". Here's what she wrote at the end:

"I think that if anything this feels like a somewhat appropriate culmination of this year. Because the residing theme seemed to be: I am not in control. And: God is.

I am not afraid. and I'm not shaking and I'm not spending time wondering what if. Because although I cannot fully protect the things I own, I know he can. And it's enough.

it all sounds crazy.

So, for now I am grateful that Friday was not the day I died, and that all the days to come have already been seen and are known

and that I do not have"

I'm grateful today for all that God has given me and blessed me with. I'm grateful for the ways He has protected my family and led us, at least for now, to a place of peace and surrounded by an unbelievably loving church. I'm grateful that in times of loss, He upholds us. I'm grateful not to be in control.

But most of all, I'm grateful that HE guards all that is mine. I'm grateful that I can lay all that I love and care about at His feet and trust Him completely. I'm grateful that He knows what is best for me. I'm grateful that no matter what I lose or keep or gain, He is always with me and will never leave me or forsake me. He is my inheritance and nothing on heaven or earth can take that away from me!

Costly Love

I have a friend whose father was a prominent doctor in the town she grew up in. Today her dad has Alzheimer’s and has become like a child. She helps to care for him as she watches him decline right before her eyes.

She has introduced me to one of her friends who took care of her husband for over 10 years as he went from being a head anesthesiologist in town to being diagnosed at a young age with the same disease and finally seeing it take his life.

I remember lying in a hospital bed, realizing that God was asking more of me than I could possibly give. He was asking me to love deeply, to love to the point of my heart breaking, to love beyond my own capacity to love. Love can be costly and never more costly than when it breaks your heart.

My friend loves her father as she grieves the father she lost. Her friend loved her husband as she longed for a husband to walk through the seasons with her, hand in hand. I love my son even as I miss the son he could have been if his chromosomes had all been in place.

We love because we have been loved. ”Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous man, though for a good man someone might possibly dare to die. But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” Romans 5:7-8

He loved us long before we even acknowledged that we needed a Savior. Amazing love, a costly love that sent Jesus to the cross for us.

Jesus said this about love: “My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends. You are my friends if you do what I command.” John 15:12-14

There are times when God calls us to a costly love. Our first urge is often to run, to look for comfort or a way out. Love will often demand loss and heartache. But we can love deeply simply because we have been deeply loved.

What a blessing to be instruments for God’s love to flow through us and into the lives of those around us. Love, for you are beautifully loved.

Husband of the Year

Well I think I need to nominate Jim for Husband of the Year! If this entry doesn't convince you that he deserves it (or at least get an honorable mention) then it will at least convince you that angels really do protect us and that you need to have a sense of humor in all things...so feel free to laugh with us.

Last summer I got an invitation to speak at a Youth With a Mission Discipleship Training School (or a YWAN DTS) in Dunham, Canada (near Montreal). Jim was excited for me to go, he has gone 2 years in a row and thought it'd be great for me to go this time. He even suggested that I take Rachel with me and he would stay home with Michael. That is quite an offer since life with Michael is so unpredictable and a lot of work even if all goes well.

Well, last week was the week, and Rachel and I had a great time in Canada. There were students from 13 different countries there. We even took an extra day and explored Montreal.

Unfortunately Michael got a stomach flu the night before I left. It ended up taking him 4 days to stop throwing up. Jim stepped up to the occasion and even taught Michael how to throw up in a bucket!

The stomach flu was better by Thursday, when he was pulling at his ear and was obviously hurting. So then he took him to the doctor (Michael doesn't like going to the doctor and made quite a scene there) who put him on antibiotics. The antibiotics upset his stomach again, so round and round they went. The plan was for Jim to have at least the days free while Michael was in school, but he didn't end up spending even one full day at school.

OK, that's just the tip of the iceberg. On Thursday Melissa and Jim were sitting in the kitchen while Michael was upstairs in his room. We have to be careful that Michael doesn't get out of the house without our knowing it, which he has done often. He doesn't seem to understand that he can get hit by a car or get lost. So they knew he couldn't get out of the house since he was upstairs and they were downstairs near the front door.

Suddenly Melissa thought she heard Michael's voice outside. They ran outside but didn't see him anywhere, but then they couldn't find him anywhere in the house either. Finally they realized that he had gone out onto a balcony upstairs and managed to climb up onto the roof....to the tip top. He was perched there making his happy noises and evidently enjoying the view. Jim ran back into the house to get his shoes and in the meantime Melissa was on the balcony and managed to talk Michael safely down to her.

Once he was down, Jim was hugging Melissa and consoling her since she had gotten quite upset and scared at Michael being perched on top of a 2 story house. While he was hugging her, Michael went back into the house, shut the door and locked it....locking both Jim and Melissa on the balcony upstairs. Then he ran downstairs and he (and the dog) ran out the front door. Melissa got Michael's attention from up on the balcony and the tone in her voice convinced him that he should probably go back inside...however they couldn't talk him into unlocking the balcony door.

In the end, they got someone's attention who was down the street. He came into the house, unlocked the door and all was well.

The only other incident was when Jim got into the back seat of the car with Michael to calm him down (while they were waiting at the drugstore for his medicine) and he realized when he tried to get out of the car that both back doors were childproofed!

So there you have a glimpse of a week of Jim's life with Michael....and why I think he is the Husband of the Year!!

The Goal

I have a close friend whose first child went off to college this fall. When he left she called me and was sobbing. If you've been there, like I have, you know how hard it is when one of your children leaves home. It's the end of an era. If you haven't been there, brace yourself. It's not that you're sad about where they are in their lives or that they are going to college, but it marks the end of childhood.

As she was crying on the phone to me she said, "When he was a cute little baby I never imagined this day would come so quickly or that it would be so hard to see him go." I told her that we have to remember the goal. The goal from the day our children are born is independence. We teach them to eat by themselves, to walk without assistance, then to drive, to take responsibility along the way, to make wise decisions, etc. Every little step has been toward compete independence when they would care for themselves and fly from our nest. The goal has always been independence.

As I was telling my friend this she stopped and said, "Oh my gosh, I forgot the goal!" She and I have laughed about that since then and talked about how easy it is to forget the goal. It's easy to think that these cute little babies are somehow for our pleasure and for us to enjoy and show off. We forget that we've only been given these precious souls for a time and then we send them into the world to make their own mark and find their own place in the world.

I've joined a group of women in memorizing Scripture and this is the verse we started memorizing a week ago:

"Do not love this world nor the things it offers you, for when you love the world, you do not have the love of the father in you. For the world offers only a craving for physical pleasure, a craving for everything we see, and pride in our achievements and possessions. These are not from the Father, but are from this world." 1 John 2:15-17

As I started memorizing those verses my heart began to ache as I realized that I so quickly start to crave what I see. I somehow begin to think that God owes me certain things and certain comforts. It's easy be proud of what I've done or what I have. It takes a lot of work not to veer towards being worldly. As I thought about that and looked at the state of my own heart I had to say to myself, "I have forgotten the goal!" How easy it is to forget the real goal and start to live for less than worthy goals.

So I sat down to remind myself of the goals for my life:

To glorify Christ in all that I do and say and even think

To never depend on my own understanding or wisdom but to completely trust God

To surrender every area of my life and let God have His way

To love Him, really love Him, and to love the people in my life like I have been loved by my Savior

To seek Him and all that is important to Him and to let the rest go

To be content with whatever He has provided for me and whatever He has allowed in my life, good or difficult.

It takes a lot of work to keep the goal in focus, to live for and be motivated by the right goal. God didn't give me precious children for my own pleasure and fulfillment, and He didn't put me on this earth to accumulate a lot of stuff and applause. I've got to keep my eye on the right goal!!

Broken Heart

The man's face still haunts me. I was sitting on the Paris metro right across from him. He was a middle aged man, nicely dressed and, except for the tears rolling down his cheek, looked like someone who had it all together.

I had just inherited an ipod from Melissa. I had no idea how it worked, so Jim downloaded some of my favorite music and a few podcast sermons for me. The next day I was taking the train and metro into Paris...the perfect chance to use my new ipod. Before I walked out the door though I had to get Rachel to show me how to turn it on and off!

I felt like a very modern woman with my headphones in my ears as I walked a long correspondence through the metro. I was listening to "Living Room Sessions" by Chris Rice, a CD of hymns played only on piano. As I walked past obscene billboards, a couple of homeless people still in their sleeping bags, and a sea of expressionless faces, I had "How Great Thou Art" ringing in my ears. I was suddenly overcome with a mixture of emotions. It was almost surreal to have my heart full of worship and so aware of how great God is and at the same time be looking at so much pain and so many faces with hopeless expressions. It reminded me of the war scene in Lord of the Rings when a terrible battle is being shown but the most beautiful song is being sung.

I finally got to my metro train and sat down. This is when I saw the man with tears rolling down his face. By this time Chris Rice was playing "Be Still My Soul"....and the words ran through my head, "Be still my soul, the Lord is on your side". I had an overwhelming urge to lean forward and say, "Excuse me sir, did you know that the God of all creation is on your side?" Alas, French etiquette would not allow me to speak to a stranger on the metro, especially one trying to cope with overflowing emotions. If he had been a woman I believe I would have risked being culturally insensitive and said it anyway.

As I got off of my train, I turned Chris Rice off. I just couldn't take anymore. I could no longer celebrate my salvation and my joy as my mind kept showing me the man crying on the train. It's painful to catch a glimpse of God's heart for the lost and the hurting. He too has barriers that He doesn't cross. He sees every tear and knows every heartache, yet He respects each person's free will and will allow them to live far from Him if they choose to. I can only imagine how His heart must break.

I then had lunch with a fairly new Christian who had decided to see a mystic/fortune teller for her problems. I couldn't seem to convince her that Jesus is all she needs. She had transferred her hope and trust into the idols this man has given her. Again I felt like my heart would break. "Lord, how do you bear it?"

As I headed home, I looked on my ipod for something besides worship or Christian music. I just wanted to escape. I was hoping to find James Taylor's Greatest Hits or something fun and neutral, but all I could find was Blues Clues and Veggie Tales (which I'm assuming Jim put on there so that I can let Michael listen to it from time to time!).

In the end I went back to Chris Rice. Before I pushed play, I asked God to continue to break my heart for the lost, as painful as that can be. I promised Him that I would resist the temptation to simply turn on Blues Clues or James Taylor or bury my head in a book or to bury myself in activities or even church work....and avoid the pain and hopelessness all around me. I don't want to close my eyes to the pain and suffering that is all around me, while I lose myself in beautiful music or in my own little world.

Life would be so much easier and less messy if I could just fill my live with activities I enjoy, concentrate on my family and close friends, and close my heart to the lost. I asked God to never let me be content with my own salvation and joy of belonging to Him to the point that I ignore those around me who don't yet have the assurance of an eternal life with Him or know His peace or simply that He is for them and on their side.

The man's tear stained face on the metro will probably be with me forever, or at least I hope it will.

(By the way, I learned another important lesson that day: You're singing louder than you think when you sing along with your ipod!)

Dance

My daughter, Melissa, is a dance major in college. Recently she shared a paper with me that she had to write about her philosophy of dance. It was beatiful and expressed more than just what dance is to her. I felt like it expressed my feelings as a parent, especially being the parent of a handicapped child. Then I realized that it expresses whatever it is in each of our lives that we pour ourselves into (whether it is what we chose to pour ourselves into or not). With her permission I'm attaching a part of that paper with you!!

The thing that is most precious to me about dance is that it has been in the context of the studio – learning, stretching, strengthening, daring, insisting, pushing – that I have become who I am. Somehow the journey I have experienced as a dancer can no longer be separated with the journey I have experienced thus far as a human being. Not because I was “made to dance” or “dance is my life,” but because it has been the substance of my life for a long time now. It has been a focus, a context in which God has worked on my heart, my mind, and every inch of me. I feel more than anything that God has used dance as a tool to shape me. I have never felt defined as a “dancer” very easily. Dance was one way…there were millions of others. But what a beautiful way it has been!

I was thinking about it tonight, and it struck me that I have, for the most part, felt that I have poured into dance and have been constantly giving of myself, and yet it has occurred to me recently that somehow in the midst of all that dance began to give to me. I began to be filled up by what I had once emptied myself for.

So, I guess dance is important to me because it has been the context within which I have found courage, the place that I have learned to work hard and be disciplined and to understand what it means to fail, and to achieve; it has been the tool with which to express, but also a way to give, help and serve.

Dance is so much more than just the body moving through space. It is always the whole person, their past, their fears, and all their hopes and dreams, inside their skin, saying something, and in the process becoming something different.

Dance, to me, is about being a human. It is not about being anything other than human; it is about being beautifully human.

What a beautiful thought that as we are being stretched, strengthened, challenged, pushed at times beyond our limits; we are becoming beautifully human. And at some point we see that the thing we've been giving ourselves to is actually the thing that gives back to us, it is the tool that God is using to shape us.

So let's dance, maybe not physically like Melissa does (although I have a blast dancing around my kitchen when no one is looking except the dog), but let's dance and celebrate in our hearts. We were not made for a thing or for a task, we were created to be in relationship with God our Father. As we seek Him and grow through whatever circumstances we are in, we are becoming fully human and more like Him!

Ambiguity

Happy New Year Everyone!

It was exactly a year ago when Jim took a prayer retreat to seek the Lord about our future. It was exactly a year ago when God clearly said to him that it was time to leave France and take our family back to the US. We knew that the primary reason was for Michael's good, but we also knew that God had every member of our family's good at heart, and we knew that He would show us the way forward.

We left France in June. We got back to the US just in time for the economy to bottom out and for the nation to be torn in two over an election. Jobs and opportunities we thought were certain disintegrated and the plans we had made seemed to vanish right before us. All that had been clear to us before became very unclear.

Today we are in Mississippi, still waiting for Him to show us the way forward. We still have dreams in our hearts and still have a burning desire to serve the Lord with all of our lives. There are opportunities, but we are not sure what God is asking us to do. There are some things that we do know: Jim will still be working with the Mission Society and will still pour his life into encouraging and discipling artists. What is not yet clear is where we will settle and exactly what this next season will look like or what is best for Michael or the other kids.

We're seeking God with all of our hearts. Our desire is to serve Him. So we wait and hope and dream. I will be the first to admit that this time of waiting is not easy. I don't like ambiguity. In fact, I hate it. I don't even like suspenseful movies. I always enjoy a movie better when I know how it ends, honestly I do. I was reading a Francine Rivers novel over Christmas and finally had to read the very end so that I could enjoy the book. I don't mind waiting as much as I mind not knowing! So why would God put me in this place of ambiguity?? I'm sure the answer is obvious, He wants me to trust Him in a deeper, bigger way. He's stretching me and asking me to (no actually demanding that I) stay desperate for Him.

So as this new year begins I am reviewing how God has been faithful to us in the past. As I do that, I find myself grieving the fact that I can question or doubt Him...ever. What I know is that He is good, always good. He is a faithful provider, sustainer, lover of my soul. So I'm focusing on who I know Him to be and asking Him to invade my heart once again, to overwhelm me with His presence and His love. When God puts me in a place of uncertainty and removes my props (the things that make me feel secure), I find Him in a new way. He gently draws me close to Himself and reminds me of a tenderness I can have with Him when all else is in the shadows.

So more than I long for Him to show us the way forward, I long for Him to draw us close, to be intimate with us, to be our all in all.

As you begin this new year and you face all that it will bring your way, here is my prayer for us all, above all else:

"May our roots go down deep into the soil of God's marvelous love. And may we have the power to understand, as all God's people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love really is. May we experience the love of Christ, though it is so great we will never fully understand it. Then we will be filled with the fullness of life and power that comes from God." from Ephesians 3

And may our hope never be in an economy or a government or in what we have or do not have. My our faith in Christ never depend on what He gives or doesn't give or allows or does not allow. May our confidence never be in our own ability to provide, to figure things out, or to navigate rough waters.

May 2009 be a year where we find our Savior to be our all in all, the hope of the world!