"Maybe you don't want to change the story, because you don't know what a different ending holds. There's a reason I am not writing the story and God is.
He knows how it all works out, where it all leads, what it all means.
I don't." Ann Voskamp from A Thousand Gifts
If I had been writing the story 20 years ago today, our Michael would have been born with a perfect set of chromosomes, no deformities, no condition that would lead to autism and a mood disorder. I have begged God to write the story differently. I have imagined what life would be like if I had been writing. I assume that my writing would lead to a better ending.
But I did not and am not writing the story, and I do not know what the a different ending would look like. Today we take comfort in the Writer who knows how it works out, where it leads and what it all means. We find joy in watching our boy dance. Oh how he loves to dance! We are amazed at the impact a silent one can have. We hurt when he hurts. We so wish for more for him. We laugh and cry. We recognize that each of our stories are better because of his.
We look forward to the day when all will be clear, and we will see the pieces of the story that are hidden from us now.
We place all of our hope in the One who writes perfect eternal stories.
And we are grateful!
Saturday, December 20, 2014
Thursday, May 8, 2014
Amazing Grace
When my children were each 5 years old I had them memorize Psalm 103. I wanted God's character branded on their little hearts, and their default setting to be: "God is good, compassionate, gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love, He does not treat me as I deserve to be treated because of my great sin, He knows that I am made of dust...." Since then, many times in my prays I have gone back to that Psalm and been overwhelmed with gratitude that He truly does not treat me the way I deserve to be treated because of my sin. I am so aware of and humbled by His grace.
Recently I was praying and thanking Him for that and felt that He whispered to my heart, "Do you extend the same grace?" I had to ponder that and allow Him to show me the ways that I do NOT extent that same grace to those around me, often those I dearly love.
When I see someone not doing what I know they should do, not living as they should live, choosing sin, and heaven forbid not doing what I've told them to do.....always for their own good of course.....my tendency is not to extend grace. My tendency is to at least withdraw my affection and approval for a while. After all, how will they come around and do right if I just keep loving them and walking close beside them?
The truth is that God hasn't called me to fix people or to make sure they live right. He has called me to speak truth and to love. Only HE can change and heal a heart, only HE can call a person's soul to Himself. I've had a lot of repenting and changing to do. I happen to like helping the Holy Spirit out!
To love is always the right thing to do. I'm asking the Holy Spirit to point out to me any time I am not extending the grace that has been extended to me in such a loving way. I'm learning to walk with people on their journey and not dictate the steps, I'm learning to love even when they are wrong....not condone or approve, but always to love and never to withdraw my affection.
I pray that you are aware of God's character and unconditional love for you, regardless of your sin and missed steps. I'm sorry if you have been treated the way you you deserved to be because you sin.
I pray that a lost and hopeless world will be amazed as they see the same grace we've received in those of us who represent Him!
To love is always the right thing to do! What amazing grace!
Recently I was praying and thanking Him for that and felt that He whispered to my heart, "Do you extend the same grace?" I had to ponder that and allow Him to show me the ways that I do NOT extent that same grace to those around me, often those I dearly love.
When I see someone not doing what I know they should do, not living as they should live, choosing sin, and heaven forbid not doing what I've told them to do.....always for their own good of course.....my tendency is not to extend grace. My tendency is to at least withdraw my affection and approval for a while. After all, how will they come around and do right if I just keep loving them and walking close beside them?
The truth is that God hasn't called me to fix people or to make sure they live right. He has called me to speak truth and to love. Only HE can change and heal a heart, only HE can call a person's soul to Himself. I've had a lot of repenting and changing to do. I happen to like helping the Holy Spirit out!
To love is always the right thing to do. I'm asking the Holy Spirit to point out to me any time I am not extending the grace that has been extended to me in such a loving way. I'm learning to walk with people on their journey and not dictate the steps, I'm learning to love even when they are wrong....not condone or approve, but always to love and never to withdraw my affection.
I pray that you are aware of God's character and unconditional love for you, regardless of your sin and missed steps. I'm sorry if you have been treated the way you you deserved to be because you sin.
I pray that a lost and hopeless world will be amazed as they see the same grace we've received in those of us who represent Him!
To love is always the right thing to do! What amazing grace!
Saturday, April 19, 2014
Easter
Today is Easter…a reminder that there is hope in all that is not as is should be…there is resurrection after death….all things will be redeemed...and one day all brokenness will be healed.
This Easter is timely for me. We’ve had a year of watching Michael in severe pain and not known where it was coming from or what to do about it. We’ve been in and out of hospitals. We’ve watched him try to fit in at schools, on outdoor basketball courts and soccer fields where children are playing, all to no avail. We make life decisions for him without the benefit of hearing what HE wants or what HE would prefer. We see people judge him when his behavior is out of control and not see the sweet guy behind the behavior. This hope of life beyond what we see now is like water to my parched soul.
When Michael was a baby I watched an interview with a mom who had a child with special needs. Her main statement was “Love is not enough”. Her point was that you have to fight for your child, you have to seek out answers, you have to push and insist that they get what they need, you have to demand a yes when all you hear is no. “Love is not enough”. That has rung in my heart for 19 years and has kept me awake many nights wondering if what I was doing for him was enough…certain that it wasn’t.
Monday, June 24, 2013
Fettered
Recently I was at a friend's wedding and right as the reception started I got a call from Michael's sitter telling me that he wasn't doing well. So I promptly left the wedding and headed home...
In the car I had a major pity party and complaint session with God! It went something like this:
"This is just not fair!! I'm 52 years old and not even able to stay for 30 minutes at a reception. And on top of that...I hate seeing my child hurt and the stress of trying to figure out what's wrong with him! I've got no freedom..... THIS IS HARD!" It wasn't pretty!
When I got quiet for a second I listened to the song that was playing on the radio and it was a new version of the old hymn 'Come Thou Fount'. I heard the words I sang in church all of my growing up years:
"Let Thy goodness like a fetter bind my wandering heart to Thee
Prone to wander, Lord I feel it
Prone to leave the God I love
Here's my heart, O take and seal it
Seal it for Thy courts above"
And the Holy Spirit whispered to my heart, "Michael keeps you fettered to Me."
And the pity party was over. I know that I'll not understand all of the fruit of Michael's life on this side of heaven. But God does allow me to see glimpses.....and one fruit is that caring for him binds this momma's prone to wander heart to her Savior!
It's His goodness that allows things into our lives that keep us from wandering away from Him. We might forget that we need Him and wander off into self sufficiency, disconnected from Him.
"I am the Lord your God, who rescued you from your slavery in Egypt. You have no God but me, for there is no other savior. I took care of you in the wilderness, in that dry and thirsty land. But when you had eaten and were satisfied, then you became proud and forgot me." Hosea 13:4-6
So my car ride ended with "Here's my heart, O take and seal it, seal it for Thy courts above... So do what you must so that this heart stays Yours, stays close and dependent on You for even my next breath!" I want my heart to stay in that place....there is no other Savior.....no more pity parties!
In the car I had a major pity party and complaint session with God! It went something like this:
"This is just not fair!! I'm 52 years old and not even able to stay for 30 minutes at a reception. And on top of that...I hate seeing my child hurt and the stress of trying to figure out what's wrong with him! I've got no freedom..... THIS IS HARD!" It wasn't pretty!
When I got quiet for a second I listened to the song that was playing on the radio and it was a new version of the old hymn 'Come Thou Fount'. I heard the words I sang in church all of my growing up years:
"Let Thy goodness like a fetter bind my wandering heart to Thee
Prone to wander, Lord I feel it
Prone to leave the God I love
Here's my heart, O take and seal it
Seal it for Thy courts above"
And the Holy Spirit whispered to my heart, "Michael keeps you fettered to Me."
And the pity party was over. I know that I'll not understand all of the fruit of Michael's life on this side of heaven. But God does allow me to see glimpses.....and one fruit is that caring for him binds this momma's prone to wander heart to her Savior!
It's His goodness that allows things into our lives that keep us from wandering away from Him. We might forget that we need Him and wander off into self sufficiency, disconnected from Him.
"I am the Lord your God, who rescued you from your slavery in Egypt. You have no God but me, for there is no other savior. I took care of you in the wilderness, in that dry and thirsty land. But when you had eaten and were satisfied, then you became proud and forgot me." Hosea 13:4-6
So my car ride ended with "Here's my heart, O take and seal it, seal it for Thy courts above... So do what you must so that this heart stays Yours, stays close and dependent on You for even my next breath!" I want my heart to stay in that place....there is no other Savior.....no more pity parties!
Wednesday, March 6, 2013
Extraordinary
Have you ever wondered if what you are doing "for God" is enough?
When we offer our services to God, give our whole lives to Him, we tend
to envision what that is going to look like. We are told to dream big,
reach high, only settle for extraordinary things that you will do in the
name of Christ.
Jesus performed his first miracle at a wedding in
Cana in Galilee. This miracle was so important and impressive that "he
revealed his glory, and his disciples put their faith in him." (John
2:11b). Wow, I want to be part of something like that. I want to join
Jesus in a work that is so amazing that people actually witness it and
put their faith in him. Sign me up! What do I have to do?
Just before Jesus' first miracle his mother gave the
best advice that I think is given the the entire Bible. She turned to
servants at that wedding and simply said, "Do whatever he tells you." (v
5)
That advice holds true for us today as well. And we reply, "Great!
I'm in. What do you want me to do? Speak in front of thousands of
people? Go to an unreached people? Stand on the street and convert
hundreds? Start an organization or church that will explode into a
mega-something? Set my family or neighbors straight?"
These servants looked at Jesus ready for an order and
he said, "Fill the jars with water". (v7) I wonder if they thought or
if I would have thought, "Wait, what? That's it? That's what we do
every day! That's not extraordinary! That's not special! That will
never change the world!!"
But this time, as they did what they did every single day, Jesus got involved. They obeyed and HE did the extraordinary.
I
was born singing. I knew Christ at an early age and gave my life to
him and sincerely wanted him to use me. My prayer was, "My life is
yours, Lord. I want you to use me." I didn't realize until years later
that what I really meant was, "I want to sing for you. Send me
wherever you want to and I'll sing."
Years later I was at home around
the clock with a sick, handicapped, needy baby who didn't sleep. I sat
night after sleepless night wondering if I would ever do anything
significant for God again?
Then a thought was whispered to my heart, What
if THIS is serving God... this seemingly insignificant thing I do right
here in my own home with no one but one little boy watching. What if
this is what pleases God? I do the ordinary and HE does the
extraordinary.
There are times that we look at what God places before us and think, You may have asked too much. This is too big. There are other times that we serve in the ordinary moments of life and think, Surely I was born for bigger than this.
Then there are the times where we feel that the task is exactly right.
What God asks of us is not extraordinary, but obedience and joy as we
trust Him to work the miracles as we simply obey.
"Do whatever he tells you." no more, no less
Thursday, December 6, 2012
Rest
"Come with me by yourselves to a quiet place and get some rest." Mark 6:31
Sometimes the most Christ-like thing you can do is to get away and rest.
Jesus was teaching his disciples how to be like him and how to deal with many people who need things from you.
He didn't say, "When you've met everyone's needs come away and rest." or "When you are at the point of emotional and physical exhaustion, come away and rest. " or "When you think you've done enough to justify resting, then come and rest." or "When no one is looking, come and rest."....
"Yet the news about him spread all the more, so that crowds of people came to hear him and to be healed of their sicknesses.
BUT JESUS OFTEN WITHDREW TO LONELY PLACES AND PRAYED." Luke 5:20
Jesus came to live in front of us how we should live. He didn't let need dictate his pace.
I'm afraid we have come to see rest as weak, maybe even lazy. We equate godly with busy or worn out. We need to refind balance in our lives, to remember that our first call and first love is Him. We need to get by ourselves and rest!
I pray that you will find time often to follow this invitation to withdraw with Christ to a lonely place and pray.....and rest.
And in that rest I pray that your soul will be refreshed and you will discover a calm and intimacy that only time with Jesus can bring!
Sometimes the most Christ-like thing you can do is to get away and rest.
Jesus was teaching his disciples how to be like him and how to deal with many people who need things from you.
He didn't say, "When you've met everyone's needs come away and rest." or "When you are at the point of emotional and physical exhaustion, come away and rest. " or "When you think you've done enough to justify resting, then come and rest." or "When no one is looking, come and rest."....
"Yet the news about him spread all the more, so that crowds of people came to hear him and to be healed of their sicknesses.
BUT JESUS OFTEN WITHDREW TO LONELY PLACES AND PRAYED." Luke 5:20
Jesus came to live in front of us how we should live. He didn't let need dictate his pace.
I'm afraid we have come to see rest as weak, maybe even lazy. We equate godly with busy or worn out. We need to refind balance in our lives, to remember that our first call and first love is Him. We need to get by ourselves and rest!
I pray that you will find time often to follow this invitation to withdraw with Christ to a lonely place and pray.....and rest.
And in that rest I pray that your soul will be refreshed and you will discover a calm and intimacy that only time with Jesus can bring!
Tuesday, December 4, 2012
People Are Listening
"When Herod heard John, he was greatly puzzled; yet he liked to listen to him."
Mark 6:20
I've had Herods in my life before. I'd like to have more.
This was a man who did not know Jesus. He was far from God. But he obviously saw something in John that Herod felt drawn to. He didn't yet "get it" but he loved to listen.
I hope that people, who do not yet know the hope of a Savior, see us and recognize a hope that they are missing. Herod talked to John, a prisoner, and liked to listen to him. What must John have been talking about: getting out of prison, how hard his life had been, what all he had lived without, how inconvient this prison time was, where he'd rather be? We don't know. But his speech must have been full of hope and life and joy and peace. Herod saw something that he had never seen before and liked listening to whatever it was John talked about.
I have learned that most people who are living far from Christ hope that what we have is the real thing. They may not say it and may even communicate the opposite, but they hope you're right. Everything they have placed their hope in has come up short, guaranteed! When they lay their heads on their pillows at the end of the day, they do not have the peace that is available to Christ Followers.
That is why it is important for those of us who do place our hope in Jesus Christ to live with the peace that is available to us. The Herods of the world are watching and listening. We are Christ's ambassadors, representing His heart and hope to a lost and hopeless world.
What are you talking about as people listen?
I pray that this Christmas Season our speech will be full of hope and truth and peace before those who do not yet know Him, but for whom He came to seek and to save!
"Then you will experience God's peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus."
Philippians 4:7
Mark 6:20
I've had Herods in my life before. I'd like to have more.
This was a man who did not know Jesus. He was far from God. But he obviously saw something in John that Herod felt drawn to. He didn't yet "get it" but he loved to listen.
I hope that people, who do not yet know the hope of a Savior, see us and recognize a hope that they are missing. Herod talked to John, a prisoner, and liked to listen to him. What must John have been talking about: getting out of prison, how hard his life had been, what all he had lived without, how inconvient this prison time was, where he'd rather be? We don't know. But his speech must have been full of hope and life and joy and peace. Herod saw something that he had never seen before and liked listening to whatever it was John talked about.
I have learned that most people who are living far from Christ hope that what we have is the real thing. They may not say it and may even communicate the opposite, but they hope you're right. Everything they have placed their hope in has come up short, guaranteed! When they lay their heads on their pillows at the end of the day, they do not have the peace that is available to Christ Followers.
That is why it is important for those of us who do place our hope in Jesus Christ to live with the peace that is available to us. The Herods of the world are watching and listening. We are Christ's ambassadors, representing His heart and hope to a lost and hopeless world.
What are you talking about as people listen?
I pray that this Christmas Season our speech will be full of hope and truth and peace before those who do not yet know Him, but for whom He came to seek and to save!
"Then you will experience God's peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus."
Philippians 4:7
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