Truth

A couple of weeks ago I was meeting with the Director of the new Autistic Center in Cape. She worked for years in the public school with students like Michael. She is a wealth of information and experience. We were talking about what services he needs and what need to happen for him to move forward, especially in the areas of communication and behavioral management.

I finally got honest and said, "Connie, is there hope that Michael will communicate and learn to control his behavior or is it too late?" That started a great conversation between us, and I learned that she's a pastor's wife. Our conversation when to a deeper level. I explained that I have a lot of guilt for taking Michael to France, because he lost so many years and would be farther along in those areas if he had been here. I can't tell you how many times I've heard, "If only we had gotten him younger..."

The ugly truth for me is, that for all the good we did in France, for all the lives we saw changed, for the good that was done, if it leaves my son locked inside of himself then it wasn't worth it to me. If the sacrifice was Michael's development, leaving my other children with a heavier burden once I'm gone, Michael not becoming all he could have been...that's just too high a price for me.

She leaned forward and said, "You know it's not all about you right?" I said, "Of course." Then she said, "But do you know that it's not all about Michael? It really is all about Christ. You paid a price for the call to go, your other kids did, and Michael did too. But it's ok because it's not about Michael." Then I sobbed!

The 2 weeks since that meeting, I've done some real soul searching and tried to listen carefully to God on this, tried to lay my heart bare before Him and let Him press on some tender places. Here's what has come from that...so far:

First of all, I am more grateful than ever that He was will to sacrifice HIS son for me...the price was not too high for Him!

The passage I've readover and over is Isaiah 49:1-4. It ends with, "My reward is with my God."

The hard truth is that MICHAEL'S reward is with God, and I may not see it on this side of heaven. I need to be ok with that and not hold an offecse against God or try to dictate to Him what Michael's reward should be. Michael may not reach the development goals that I hope he will, and the burden may be heavy for my kids when I die. I pray for miracles everyday, and I know we will see some. But ultimately it is all in God's hands and He WILL reward.

The other truth is that He IS the reward. And that, at the end of the day, is enough. I get HIM, Michael gets HIM, Jim gets HIM, whatever my kids carry later...they get HIM.

And He is enough!

It takes a lot of work for me to stay in that place, to stay eternally minded. My Michael won't be "disabled or handicapped" in heaven. And I cannot wait to hear his voice.

I may even have to wait to hear his heart. I long to know his dreams, his favorite color, his fears, his thoughts, share in his relationship with Christ. But I may have to wait.....

MOST days I'm ok with that....some days a dark cloud overtakes me and I long to know my son better and I fight not to be offended with God.

Today I'm glad we said yes to God's call. I would do it all over again. I deeply love and miss the people we left behind there. I'm especially glad that God could see beyond my limited vision.