Truth

A couple of weeks ago I was meeting with the Director of the new Autistic Center in Cape. She worked for years in the public school with students like Michael. She is a wealth of information and experience. We were talking about what services he needs and what need to happen for him to move forward, especially in the areas of communication and behavioral management.

I finally got honest and said, "Connie, is there hope that Michael will communicate and learn to control his behavior or is it too late?" That started a great conversation between us, and I learned that she's a pastor's wife. Our conversation when to a deeper level. I explained that I have a lot of guilt for taking Michael to France, because he lost so many years and would be farther along in those areas if he had been here. I can't tell you how many times I've heard, "If only we had gotten him younger..."

The ugly truth for me is, that for all the good we did in France, for all the lives we saw changed, for the good that was done, if it leaves my son locked inside of himself then it wasn't worth it to me. If the sacrifice was Michael's development, leaving my other children with a heavier burden once I'm gone, Michael not becoming all he could have been...that's just too high a price for me.

She leaned forward and said, "You know it's not all about you right?" I said, "Of course." Then she said, "But do you know that it's not all about Michael? It really is all about Christ. You paid a price for the call to go, your other kids did, and Michael did too. But it's ok because it's not about Michael." Then I sobbed!

The 2 weeks since that meeting, I've done some real soul searching and tried to listen carefully to God on this, tried to lay my heart bare before Him and let Him press on some tender places. Here's what has come from that...so far:

First of all, I am more grateful than ever that He was will to sacrifice HIS son for me...the price was not too high for Him!

The passage I've readover and over is Isaiah 49:1-4. It ends with, "My reward is with my God."

The hard truth is that MICHAEL'S reward is with God, and I may not see it on this side of heaven. I need to be ok with that and not hold an offecse against God or try to dictate to Him what Michael's reward should be. Michael may not reach the development goals that I hope he will, and the burden may be heavy for my kids when I die. I pray for miracles everyday, and I know we will see some. But ultimately it is all in God's hands and He WILL reward.

The other truth is that He IS the reward. And that, at the end of the day, is enough. I get HIM, Michael gets HIM, Jim gets HIM, whatever my kids carry later...they get HIM.

And He is enough!

It takes a lot of work for me to stay in that place, to stay eternally minded. My Michael won't be "disabled or handicapped" in heaven. And I cannot wait to hear his voice.

I may even have to wait to hear his heart. I long to know his dreams, his favorite color, his fears, his thoughts, share in his relationship with Christ. But I may have to wait.....

MOST days I'm ok with that....some days a dark cloud overtakes me and I long to know my son better and I fight not to be offended with God.

Today I'm glad we said yes to God's call. I would do it all over again. I deeply love and miss the people we left behind there. I'm especially glad that God could see beyond my limited vision.

Living Between Joy and Grief

The Christmas Season is officially here!

If you are like me, you spent last week acutely aware of all that you have to be thankful for. I am amazingly and abundantly blessed, way beyond what I deserve.

So...why the knot in my stomach this morning? Why the sadness? How can joy and gratitude be so mixed with grief and sadness?

Christmas is a time of joy. We remember and celebrate the Messiah who came to rescue us. He was not content to leave us as we were. He did what it took to leave His Holy Spirit for our ongoing healing and restoration.

He is a perfect Savior.

But we still live in a broken world, we still live with loss, regret, broken relationships, sickness, and pain.

For me Christmas is a reminder that my boy is not all that I hoped he would be, maybe all that he should have been. I have a teenager living in my home who lost her mom and was left all alone in the world. I got a call from a friend this morning who is overwhelmed today by the loss her divorce caused in her life. I heard from another friend who re-grieves her family's loss when her 5 year niece died of brain cancer. The holidays are a reminder that we are deeply loved by our God, but also a reminder that all is not as it should be here.

Maybe I have my Michael to keep me connected to that truth. In him I experience grief and loss, I feel unequipped and inadequate, my patience is tested and I fail as often as I succeed. In him I experience God's grace and provision in a way I never knew was possible. In him I experience joy and gratitude with every smile and small achievement.

I am aware every minute of every day that I desperately need a Savior. I'm aware that He is enough and provides all that I need.

So I'll carry on, living in this place between amazing joy and unbelievable grief. I know His grace is enough. And I know a perfect eternity waits for all of us where there will be no more tears, no more bad news, no more sickness, no more pain, no more weakness, no more loss, no more handicap.

But the angel said to them, “Do not be afraid. I bring you good news that will cause great joy for all the people. Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is the Messiah, the Lord. Luke 2:10-22

The good news is this: A Savior came for us who knows all and understands all. This give me great peace!

May you experience the hope and love of Jesus where you are, as you are this holiday season!

Offended with God?

My friend, Heather, got radically saved when she was 17 years old. She got married at 19 and she and her husband went into full-time ministry with Youth With A Mission. Soon after she had her second baby, her husband was diagnosed with cancer. When she was 23 her husband lost his battle with cancer. Her children were 2 years and 6 months old.

This past week was the 5 year anniversary of his death. Heather wrote out some of her thoughts. I have to tell you that the depth of her faith and walk with the Lord humbles and challenges me! Here’s a portion of what she wrote:

“Losing Seth challenged every proclamation in faith I had made, every cry for brokenness, every promise for steadfastness. Because in the face of any trial the enemy whispers accusations against who God is, trying to get us offended. Why do we think that just because we get hurt that we all the sudden have rights to take over our life again? Probably because we are human and whether we are aware of it or not we have boundaries to our surrenderdedness. And God, because of His great mercy and love, allows those boundaries to be exposed at the risk of losing us in order that He might free us to love and to receive His love."

"In the face of any trial the enemy whispers accusations against who God is, trying to get us offended." When I read that I thought, “Wow, I’ve been there”. It’s true, I’ve allowed the enemy to accuse God and cause me to become offended with Him.

A couple of days later Michael's behavior got out of control. Normally when his behavior gets out of control it means something hurts, really hurts. Since he doesn't talk, we start playing a guessing game as to what hurts. It can literally be from his head to his messed up feet. In short, I had a very hard week. We have determined that it's his ears, and we're on the road to a solution.

Yesterday I read Heather’s words again. This time I thought, “Wow, I’m there still”. How easy I regress and let my guard down and allow my heart to question Him again.

“When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. For I am the Lord, your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior” from Isaiah 43

He never said I would not find myself in the fire or in rough waters, afraid they might sweep over me. He did promise that He would be with me in the fire and that I would not burn up or go under!

I'm not sure why I keep waiting for life to get easy and become discontent with the simple fact that He is with me. The enemy certainly knows when to step up and accuse Him.

Thank you, Heather, for the reminder that He is good, He is enough and He is faithful!

Insomnia

My church just finished a series called Insomnia: What Keeps You Up At Night.

I starting thinking about what robs me of sleep. For years it was the fact that I had a baby or a son with special needs. But today it is more often my own anxiety or fear that keeps me awake.

So what keeps you up at night? I know that my issues are all around my inability to truly trust God; to trust Him with the future, with my failures, with my children and husband, with all that I deeply care about. The crazy thing is that I have absolutely no right not to trust Him. I know from experience that He is faithful. I'm encouraged by this story about the Israelites:

1 Samuel 7:7-12 (New Living Translation)

When the Philistine rulers heard that Israel had gathered at Mizpah, they mobilized their army and advanced. The Israelites were badly frightened when they learned that the Philistines were approaching.

“Don’t stop pleading with the Lord our God to save us from the Philistines!” they begged Samuel.

So Samuel took a young lamb and offered it to the Lord as a whole burnt offering. He pleaded with the Lord to help Israel, and the Lord answered him. 10 Just as Samuel was sacrificing the burnt offering, the Philistines arrived to attack Israel. But the Lord spoke with a mighty voice of thunder from heaven that day, and the Philistines were thrown into such confusion that the Israelites defeated them.

The men of Israel chased them from Mizpah to a place below Beth-car, slaughtering them all along the way.

Samuel then took a large stone and placed it between the towns of Mizpah and Jeshanah. He named it Ebenezer (which means “the stone of help”), for he said, “Up to this point the Lord has helped us!”

You have probably been, and may even now be, in a situation where you too were badly frightened at what was approaching and you pleaded with the Lord to save you.

I have been there. And I can say, like Samuel did that day, that up to this point the Lord has helped me.

That gives me hope and courage for the future, even as the next unsettling thing approaches.

Sleep Well

Be Extraordinary

Christine Caine is a dynamic young woman who has decided to make a difference in her world. God is using her all over the world to raise awareness about human trafficking and to be a part of rescuing women from hopeless lives of slavery. Her life is inspiring.

I heard her speak a couple of weeks ago and one thing she said has stayed with me. As people look to her to know how to make a difference themselves in the world, she says,
"Your burning bush will find you. You may be tending your father-in-law's sheep in the desert when it does! Be faithful where you are."

So many times we look for the extraordinary task. We dream about how God could use us and the huge difference we could make in the world. But so often what God is asking us to do is the task at hand. He asks us to be faithful where we are, to meet the needs of those who are right in front of us, to love hurting people among us, to be His hands and feet here and now.

Amazingly, the ordinary becomes extraordinary when we dare to love and serve where we are.

In Matthew 25 Jesus told a parable about a master who gave his servants tasks. Upon returning to see what they had done with the opportunity he had given them, the master had these words to say to 2 of the servants:

"His master replied, 'Well done, good and faithful servant! You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things. Come and share your master's happiness!"
verse 21

When Michael was a baby I found myself feeling useless and lost. I was in France and always at home with a child with special needs. For 3 years we couldn't find a school for him, since they were all full. During that time, God taught me a lesson that I hope I never forget. In the midst of feeling useless and wishing God would provide a school for Michael so that I could serve Him and make a difference, He spoke to me. Basically what He whispered to my heart was, "Serve me by caring for and loving the little boy I have you with all day long. Do that with joy and thanksgiving."

What I realized is that we want to serve God, but we don't necessarily want Him to choose the task. True obedience is when we make ourselves available to Him and obey with our whole hearts! So often obedience doesn't look like we think it will. Usually it means doing the thing that is right in front of you!

I pray that we will be found faithful where we are with the task at hand, that we will not be blind to the needs around us as we look for bigger tasks.

May we be found faithful!

Runner

Well it finally happened; one of my children was brought home in a police car! And wearing a speedo, no less....a speedo that was too small!!

Jim and I began our lives as the parents of a child with special needs without a clue as to what that was going to mean for our lives. Like so many others before us, we have done the best we could from day and day and tried to put up safeguards as we've made mistakes and learned.

We've found Michael sitting in the kitchen covered from head to toe with white flour in a very white kitchen, empty bag in hand. Another time it was with an empty bag of powdered chocolate in a very brown kitchen. My friend, Kim, was with me and she quietly put her hand on my shoulder and said, "This will be funny one day."

We met most of our neighbors in Paris as each one of them found Michael in their house and brought him home....oops, talk about a "faux pas".

Through the years we've found him; on the roof of the house, sitting in the toilet splashing around like it was a wade pool, in a swimming pool during a lightening storm, hanging (literally hanging) outside of our 2nd floor window, with a flat razor blade in his mouth, well, you get the picture.

Michael is what the therpists call, a "runner". Given the chance he will head out the door and down the street without looking back. We've put deadbolts that lock with a key on every door in the house. Unfortunately I forgot to lock it when I got home on Monday night. Michael was in the room next to us and kept running in and out of our room, and then he was gone. By the time I called 911, the police had already been called by someone who found him wandering around the park (just 2 blocks from our house, but across a busy street).

So, up pulls a police car with my son in the backseat. He was actually enjoying the ride and didn't seem distressed at all to have been picked up by the police. That is, not until they opened the door and he saw me. Then he let out a groan that told us all that he was not happy to see me. He doesn't talk, but I can usually tell what he's trying to communicate. This groan was, "How do they always find HER?" The policemen were very gracious and kind, by the way.

Once we got him inside and got our heart rates down, I tried to explain to him that at 15 he probably shouldn't run around the neighborhood in a speedo. I'm not sure he gets it!

So what do you do but learn a lesson one more time, thank God for protecting him once again, and move on to the next thing!

Our precious boy keeps us on our toes, catches us off balance from time to time, and reminds us to roll with the punches!!

Hope you're week has been less eventful than mine!!

Anxiety

When my children were pre-schoolers, I had them all in the van one day and my 4 year old said from the back of the van, "Mommy, does the Bible say not to worry?" I told her that it did, feeling very spiritual as I quoted: "Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you." 1 Peter 5:7

Then she said, "So does that mean that worrying is a sin?" That's when I stopped feeling so spiritual and realized that God had just used my 4 year old to point out my sin to me. I'm teaching a women's summer class and we're doing the book Respecatable Sins: Confronting the Sins we Tolerate. If you haven't read it, I strongly recommend it. But pull in your toes....he'll step all over them!

Today I'm reading about anxiety. Here I am, almost 20 years later, and I'm once again aware of my tendency to worry and my lack of trust in God to take care of me and the people I care about in every way.

God's timing is incredible. Michael is going through a very difficult time. Since school got out his behavioral issues have resurfaced and it seems that all of the progress he made this year has vanished. I have found myself feeling hopeless and wondering if we'll ever have him to a place of peace and being able to control himself. And selfishly I've wondered if I'll ever have a life that resembles normal at all! This chapter has been a very sweet reminder.

"Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:6-7

Don't worry about anything, tell God what you need, thank Him, then you will experience His peace.

I will experience His peace, not because He will do everything exactly the way I ask Him to in my prayers. But the asking and then thanking reminds me of how He has already been faithful to me and that I can trust Him to continue to be faithful.

I want the peace of God to guard my heart and my mind. But I have to choose to lay down my anxiety and trust that He is good and able to care for me!