Not Lovable

This morning I saw a story on the news about a gorgeous and successful actress who has been hospitalized for depression and anorexia. The news reporter was perplexed. How can someone who "has it all" fall into such despair?

What haunts me from that interview is this quote by the actress from a recent interview:

“I would say what scares me is that I’m going to ultimately find out at the end of my life that I’m really not lovable, that I’m not worthy of being loved. That there’s something fundamentally wrong with me… that I wasn’t wanted here in the first place.”

That should seriously disturb those of us who are aware of the love of Christ for every person.

"And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God's love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow - not even the powers of hell can separate us from God's love. No power in the sky above or in the earth below - indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord."
Romans 8:38-39

I wonder if there are people I pass everyday who feel the same way she does, who just don't know how immensely they are loved and wanted. Why do they feel separated from love? Is it because no one has told them? Is it because no one has shown them that they can be loved unconditionally just as they are?

I'm praying that this beautiful women will discover God's eternal love for her. But I'm also praying that I won't grow cold and unaware of desperate people who need a glimpse of a Christ whose love drove Him to give His very life for them.

I cannot become so content and comfortable in my own sense of God's love for ME that I forget that there are those who do not yet know. And most of them will never walk through the doors of the church, I will have to show them in their world, right where they are.

My son, Brian, recently said to me, "Mom, I don't think Jesus came all this way and went all the way to death so that we could be comfortable."

May we be uncomfortable as long as one person feels unlovable and unwanted!!

Angela

Up Against a Wall

I like to write when I am on the other side of a time I needed to see God be faithful and He came through! Today I'm writing in the middle of needing to see God's provision and help.

My Michael's behavior has spun out of control and yesterday I spent most of the day restraining him, talking to doctors, attempting to give him some kind of peace. The docs think it's neurological and we've started meds that should get him to the other side.

What I'm writing about today is being up against a wall, at the end of your own strength, unable to come up with the answers and falling before God and placing all of your hope in Him.

In 2 Chronicles 20 King Jehoshaphat also found himself in that place. He was told that "a vast army" was coming against him and he knew he could not fight them and win. The Bible says, "Jehoshaphat was terrified by this news and begged the Lord for guidance."

So instead of quickly gathering the troops and weapons and scheming with officers, he called the people together and fell before the Lord and fasted and prayed. His prayer is beautiful.

First he remember who God is. Then he remembered all that God had done for them in the past. He then presented God with the crisis at hand and said, "We have no power to face this vast army that is attacking us. We do not know what to do, but our eyes are upon you."

The Spirit of the Lord then spoke through a guy named Jahaziel and he said, "Do not be afraid or discouraged because of this vast army. For the battle is not yours, but God's."

And then amazing things happened and God came through in HUGE ways. Read it!

So I don't know if you've ever been in a place where you look at the challenge or crisis at hand and say, "I think this thing just might kill me!" But if you have, you are in good company. Jehoshaphat and I have been there too. And in the past I, as he, found God to be faithful and able to do what I cannot.

May the God who fights your battles be very near and huge in your life today. And may you find peace in remembering who He is and laying it all at His feet as you place your eyes upon Him!!

Pressing On
Angela

Listen

“She had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord’s feet listening to what he said. But Martha was distracted by all the preparations that had to be made.”

“’Martha, Martha,’ the Lord answered, ‘you are worried and upset about many things, but only one thing is needed. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her.’”

Luke 10:39-40a, 41-42

I have been upset and worried about many things lately. I’m not sure why I keep waiting for the day when I have nothing to be worried and upset about, or a day when there aren’t preparations that have to be made. I can relate to Martha.

But Jesus didn’t seem bothered that Martha was busy or getting things done. The words that stuck out to me as I read this morning were: listening and distracted.

Mary was listening and Martha was distracted. Jesus didn’t address the fact that one was sitting and one was preparing. He seems more concerned about that fact that Martha was worried and upset and distracted and Mary was peaceful and paying attention to what he was saying.
I try to have a regular quiet time. But I’ll be honest, it doesn’t happen every day! I can’t always pause life to sit quietly to listen.

But I CAN listen. I can determine not to let what worries me DISTRACT me from who my Savior is and the peace and wisdom he gives in the midst of all of my preparations. Today as I do what the day presents to me, I am going to try to listen. I’ll listen as I cook, as I drive, as I clean, as I answer emails, as I wait to see doctors with my son, etc.

And the peace and strength he gives as I listen cannot be taken away from me.

Let’s face it, laundry and dishes have to be done, little runny noses have to be wiped, appointments have to be kept, work has to be done! But in it all there is a Savior who is nearer than our next breath and longs to give perspective and peace!

The question is: Are we listening?

Angela

For Jen !!

"Samuel then took a large stone and placed it between the towns of Mizpah and Jeshanah. He named it Ebenezer (which means "the stone of help"), for he said, 'Up to this point the Lord has helped us!'" 1 Samuel 7:12

As the holidays approached this year, I felt especially exhausted and down. I finally wrote out all that happened in 2011 and I understood why! We had a year packed with actvity; challenges and celebrations.

It is easy for me to get focused on the challenges in my life. It may be more accurate to say that I even panic at times. In the Old Testament, God often had His people hit the pause button on life, stop and REMEMBER. They would stand before the next challenge, often something that they knew might wipe them out, and remember how God had been faithful to them in the past. Remembering gave them faith and hope for what they were facing. They remembered who their God was and how He had provided for them before.

I keep a little stone on my desk. It's my "Ebenezer stone". It reminds me that up to this day, God has been faithful to me. I have absolutely no right to panic and carry on as if God didn't have me in the palm of His hand and will continue to be faithful to me, just has He has in the past!

2012 looks it could hold many challenges; things that without God's help could overwhelm us! But I'm pausing and remembering all that He has done for us in the past and celebrating that "up to this point the Lord has helped us".

I pray that you too will be aware of His faithfulness to you and will remember all that He has done for you! I pray that remembering will give you peace and hope, regardless of the challenges that come your way!

Happy New Year!

Angela

ps...my friend Jen is now going to remind me every Thursday to update my blog!! Thanks Jen!

I Get It!

Psalm 68:6
God places the lonely in families; he sets the prisoners free and gives them joy.

I don’t know about you, but I don’t feel like I often “get” what God’s up to. Most of the time I am choosing to trust Him in spite of not really understanding. Many times I “think” I know, only to get to a point and realize that He was up to something totally different than I thought!

Yesterday was one of those few times where we got a glimpse and really understood for a moment what He was doing…..and it was GOOD!

I first saw Marida when she was walking down the street with her mom near the house we had just moved into. I’m not sure what happened as I sat at the stop sign and watched them walk, but something happened. I felt drawn to her and said to the Lord, “please send people to love that sweet young lady.” I knew nothing about her life, but felt connected to her instantly and could feel that she must have pain in her life. Melissa felt it too. She was in the car with me and as we sat there for that minute or so, she said, “Mom, what do we do?” We decided to pray for this girl and her mom, so as we drove away Melissa prayed out loud for them.

A few weeks later I went to the hospital because a nurse called the church and asked for someone to visit this family. I walked into the room and there was Marida, only this time her mom was in a hospital bed fighting for her life.

When her mom died a few weeks later, Marida was all alone in the world. We started doing as much as she’d let us do for her; laundry, a meal here and there, she started going to church with us, etc. Finally the day came when she moved in and she instantly became part of our family.

In the 2 years since then, Marida has graduated from high school with honors, been accepted to a 6 year medical school, gotten severe scoliosis corrected (which included 12 weeks in the hospital and 2 major surgeries), started college, and grown in her faith. We feel like we have been privileged to have a front row seat to see God working in her life!

Yesterday we stood before a judge and she changed her name to Marida Beise! As I thought back to that day when she was walking down the street with her mom, I realized that God answered my prayer. Our entire extended family adores her and loves her as if she’d been one of ours all along.

When I prayed that prayer, I had no idea that God would allow us to love her and to be loved and blessed by her!

Truth

A couple of weeks ago I was meeting with the Director of the new Autistic Center in Cape. She worked for years in the public school with students like Michael. She is a wealth of information and experience. We were talking about what services he needs and what need to happen for him to move forward, especially in the areas of communication and behavioral management.

I finally got honest and said, "Connie, is there hope that Michael will communicate and learn to control his behavior or is it too late?" That started a great conversation between us, and I learned that she's a pastor's wife. Our conversation when to a deeper level. I explained that I have a lot of guilt for taking Michael to France, because he lost so many years and would be farther along in those areas if he had been here. I can't tell you how many times I've heard, "If only we had gotten him younger..."

The ugly truth for me is, that for all the good we did in France, for all the lives we saw changed, for the good that was done, if it leaves my son locked inside of himself then it wasn't worth it to me. If the sacrifice was Michael's development, leaving my other children with a heavier burden once I'm gone, Michael not becoming all he could have been...that's just too high a price for me.

She leaned forward and said, "You know it's not all about you right?" I said, "Of course." Then she said, "But do you know that it's not all about Michael? It really is all about Christ. You paid a price for the call to go, your other kids did, and Michael did too. But it's ok because it's not about Michael." Then I sobbed!

The 2 weeks since that meeting, I've done some real soul searching and tried to listen carefully to God on this, tried to lay my heart bare before Him and let Him press on some tender places. Here's what has come from that...so far:

First of all, I am more grateful than ever that He was will to sacrifice HIS son for me...the price was not too high for Him!

The passage I've readover and over is Isaiah 49:1-4. It ends with, "My reward is with my God."

The hard truth is that MICHAEL'S reward is with God, and I may not see it on this side of heaven. I need to be ok with that and not hold an offecse against God or try to dictate to Him what Michael's reward should be. Michael may not reach the development goals that I hope he will, and the burden may be heavy for my kids when I die. I pray for miracles everyday, and I know we will see some. But ultimately it is all in God's hands and He WILL reward.

The other truth is that He IS the reward. And that, at the end of the day, is enough. I get HIM, Michael gets HIM, Jim gets HIM, whatever my kids carry later...they get HIM.

And He is enough!

It takes a lot of work for me to stay in that place, to stay eternally minded. My Michael won't be "disabled or handicapped" in heaven. And I cannot wait to hear his voice.

I may even have to wait to hear his heart. I long to know his dreams, his favorite color, his fears, his thoughts, share in his relationship with Christ. But I may have to wait.....

MOST days I'm ok with that....some days a dark cloud overtakes me and I long to know my son better and I fight not to be offended with God.

Today I'm glad we said yes to God's call. I would do it all over again. I deeply love and miss the people we left behind there. I'm especially glad that God could see beyond my limited vision.

Living Between Joy and Grief

The Christmas Season is officially here!

If you are like me, you spent last week acutely aware of all that you have to be thankful for. I am amazingly and abundantly blessed, way beyond what I deserve.

So...why the knot in my stomach this morning? Why the sadness? How can joy and gratitude be so mixed with grief and sadness?

Christmas is a time of joy. We remember and celebrate the Messiah who came to rescue us. He was not content to leave us as we were. He did what it took to leave His Holy Spirit for our ongoing healing and restoration.

He is a perfect Savior.

But we still live in a broken world, we still live with loss, regret, broken relationships, sickness, and pain.

For me Christmas is a reminder that my boy is not all that I hoped he would be, maybe all that he should have been. I have a teenager living in my home who lost her mom and was left all alone in the world. I got a call from a friend this morning who is overwhelmed today by the loss her divorce caused in her life. I heard from another friend who re-grieves her family's loss when her 5 year niece died of brain cancer. The holidays are a reminder that we are deeply loved by our God, but also a reminder that all is not as it should be here.

Maybe I have my Michael to keep me connected to that truth. In him I experience grief and loss, I feel unequipped and inadequate, my patience is tested and I fail as often as I succeed. In him I experience God's grace and provision in a way I never knew was possible. In him I experience joy and gratitude with every smile and small achievement.

I am aware every minute of every day that I desperately need a Savior. I'm aware that He is enough and provides all that I need.

So I'll carry on, living in this place between amazing joy and unbelievable grief. I know His grace is enough. And I know a perfect eternity waits for all of us where there will be no more tears, no more bad news, no more sickness, no more pain, no more weakness, no more loss, no more handicap.

But the angel said to them, “Do not be afraid. I bring you good news that will cause great joy for all the people. Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is the Messiah, the Lord. Luke 2:10-22

The good news is this: A Savior came for us who knows all and understands all. This give me great peace!

May you experience the hope and love of Jesus where you are, as you are this holiday season!