God Redefined

I sit in my parents' house today, surrounded with suitcases and once again in a time of huge transition. We have just spent a couple of months packing everything we own, deciding what is worth shipping across the ocean and what to leave behind, saying good-bye to people, a country, a work, and a culture that I've come to dearly love. The future is once again unclear, uncertain and unknown. We've been here before.

Jim and I first went to France after we'd only been married for a year. I had never been out of the country and had never heard a foreign language other than the few words I learned in French class. Everything in me was challenged and shaken to the core. There was culture shock, but there was also a need to trust God and to press into Him in a way I had never had to do before. When all that was familiar to me was stripped away, I found that the God I had been serving was no longer familiar to me either. He redefined Himself to me as He allowed doubts and fear to drive me to know Him better, not just the idea of who I thought and hoped He was.

When Michael was born with severe physical and developmental handicaps, I was once again on the shore of the unknown. Once again I didn't recognize this God I thought I had come to know so well. In the dark restless moments of the months that followed, I discovered that He is so much more unpredictable and unable to be defined and understood than I ever thought He could be. He drew me to Himself and gave me peace and intimacy that I had not known before.

Then we packed everything we owned and took 4 children to a foreign country where I watched them challenged and shaken just as I had been. I couldn't "fix" it for them and had to let them ask their own questions and wrestle with their own doubts. I also got to see them discover a love and deep relationship with the God they had put into question.

So here we are again. We've left France and are looking at the unknown. Once again I have children who are confused and feel like kites flapping in the wind with strings cut. Once again I realize that I cannot demand or predict what God will do, where He will lead us, how He will provide, or how He will answer my children's questions. Again I come before Him realizing that I have so much more to learn about who He is.

These are times when I feel stripped of what has become familiar and I meet my God in a new way. I don't have to have answers. I don't have to understand. He doesn't promise easy, but He does promise to be with me wherever I go and through whatever I go through.

I discovered His Presence in a foreign country. I discovered His Presence in a hospital intensive care unit as I held my newborn baby. I discovered His Presence as I laid in bed, knowing that my children laid in their beds with questions, doubts, pain, and even tears. I discover His Presence as I lay down all expectations and let Him show me Himself as He truly is and not the watered down version I have created in my heart.

I pray that you will find His Presence in the unpredictable times in your life as He allows you to lose sight of who you thought He was and discover who He really is.

I long for easy, for predictable, for clarity. But today I long for His Presence more. When all else is stripped away, I find Him in new and deep ways.

Pressing On
Angela