I have been drawn to the story of Lazarus lately. (John 11:1-44)
Even though I haven’t recently experienced an actual death,
there have been a series of “deaths” along this journey that we have been on
with our Michael.
It started over 20 years ago when we had to die to the dream
of a healthy baby and immediately thrown into the world of genetics, hospital stays and surgeries. We had no idea what life would look like for him or for our family, but we knew it would never be the same. We discovered we had deep unspoken dreams that we didn't even know were there.
Dying to dreams would become a way of life, but with
every dream that died there seemed to be a new dream that took its place:
-Your son
will most likely never speak….so we’ll find an alternative form of communication
that he will be able to master and let us know what he wants and what is on his
heart.
-Your son
will never reach a level of independence to the point that he could live on his
own….so he’ll be eccentric Uncle Michael who is different from everyone else we
know, but is a lot of fun!
-Not many people will "get" your son as his behaviors and appearance become progressively "not normal"....so my family will learn to laugh and take things in stride!
-The country
you are living in does not have what your son needs….so we’ll leave a
ministry and people we dearly love and take him home and find what he needs
there.
-Even though
your son has multiple issues, he will most likely outlive you and will need
longer care than you will probably be able to provide.…so he’ll eventually live
with siblings and their families and be just as loved as he is in our home.
-Your son’s
health is getting fragile and we cannot tell you what his future condition will
be.…but he has a huge family who loves and adores him unconditionally and will find answers and
care for him no matter what.
-Your son is
developing aggressive behaviors that require more than just behavioral plans to
solve….so we’ll find a great psychiatrist who will help find answers to give him
peace.
-Your son’s
issues are bigger than the behavioral plans and medications we are able to
provide….so we’ll find the best hospital in the country and get him the help he
needs.
-Your son’s
issues are more complicated than we thought and 4 months won’t be long enough
for us to get a plan in place.…so we’ll fight insurance as long as we have to
and travel across the country to visit him for as long as it takes.
-Your son’s
aggression is bigger than what you are going to be able to manage at home, even
if you hire a full-time staff. He needs more than you can do for
him ….so…….soooooo…...so we will find the closest place possible that can care for
him and try our best to trust others to do what we long to do ourselves.
-Your son
will need to learn to cope without you, with a certain level of physical pain,
to a large degree locked inside his own little world, and for some unknown
reason will continue to express himself through aggression with people who know
how to manage that and care for him. He will be “ok”, but you don’t get to
define or demand what “ok” looks like in his life……..so…….so I can’t seem to
find a dream to replace that!
As I reflect
on the story of sisters who lost a brother they dearly loved, I understand
their disappointment that Jesus didn’t do what they asked him to do and knew he
could have done.
“But we sent
for you in plenty of time!"
"But we know
how much you love our brother, and you’ve allowed this to happen! "
"But
resurrection and heaven don’t give me a lot of comfort in my grief today!”
“But I still
believe you are who you say you are even though my heart is broken.”
(my
paraphrase from John 11)
It’s
interesting to me that, even though Jesus knows that he is going to raise
Lazarus from the dead, he doesn’t try to console them with what is about to
happen. Instead he is “deeply moved” and weeps with them right where they are
in that moment.
For some
reason grief after death is important, even if resurrection is coming.
Today as Jim
and I grieve the loss of deep hopes and dreams, as we miss our son desperately,
as we try to trust him to others and not become consumed with worry, we feel
Jesus weeping with us. But there is a quiet whisper in my heart that says…..
“But you
don’t know what resurrection is going to look like. Go ahead and grieve, it is
an important part of the process, but don’t forget that I am who I said I am,
and you cannot see what’s coming.”
I don’t get
to define what “ok” looks like for my son, and I don’t get to determine what
resurrection looks like in our lives or in his. But I know we have a Savior who
does not stay on a cross or leave people grieving at the foot of it.
I will let
him give the new dream when the time is right and trust that he has placed dreams in the heart of my
silent son as well.
And we will
hope in the life to come!
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