I had just inherited an ipod from Melissa. I had no idea how it worked, so Jim downloaded some of my favorite music and a few podcast sermons for me. The next day I was taking the train and metro into Paris...the perfect chance to use my new ipod. Before I walked out the door though I had to get Rachel to show me how to turn it on and off!
I felt like a very modern woman with my headphones in my ears as I walked a long correspondence through the metro. I was listening to "Living Room Sessions" by Chris Rice, a CD of hymns played only on piano. As I walked past obscene billboards, a couple of homeless people still in their sleeping bags, and a sea of expressionless faces, I had "How Great Thou Art" ringing in my ears. I was suddenly overcome with a mixture of emotions. It was almost surreal to have my heart full of worship and so aware of how great God is and at the same time be looking at so much pain and so many faces with hopeless expressions. It reminded me of the war scene in Lord of the Rings when a terrible battle is being shown but the most beautiful song is being sung.
I finally got to my metro train and sat down. This is when I saw the man with tears rolling down his face. By this time Chris Rice was playing "Be Still My Soul"....and the words ran through my head, "Be still my soul, the Lord is on your side". I had an overwhelming urge to lean forward and say, "Excuse me sir, did you know that the God of all creation is on your side?" Alas, French etiquette would not allow me to speak to a stranger on the metro, especially one trying to cope with overflowing emotions. If he had been a woman I believe I would have risked being culturally insensitive and said it anyway.
As I got off of my train, I turned Chris Rice off. I just couldn't take anymore. I could no longer celebrate my salvation and my joy as my mind kept showing me the man crying on the train. It's painful to catch a glimpse of God's heart for the lost and the hurting. He too has barriers that He doesn't cross. He sees every tear and knows every heartache, yet He respects each person's free will and will allow them to live far from Him if they choose to. I can only imagine how His heart must break.
I then had lunch with a fairly new Christian who had decided to see a mystic/fortune teller for her problems. I couldn't seem to convince her that Jesus is all she needs. She had transferred her hope and trust into the idols this man has given her. Again I felt like my heart would break. "Lord, how do you bear it?"
As I headed home, I looked on my ipod for something besides worship or Christian music. I just wanted to escape. I was hoping to find James Taylor's Greatest Hits or something fun and neutral, but all I could find was Blues Clues and Veggie Tales (which I'm assuming Jim put on there so that I can let Michael listen to it from time to time!).
In the end I went back to Chris Rice. Before I pushed play, I asked God to continue to break my heart for the lost, as painful as that can be. I promised Him that I would resist the temptation to simply turn on Blues Clues or James Taylor or bury my head in a book or to bury myself in activities or even church work....and avoid the pain and hopelessness all around me. I don't want to close my eyes to the pain and suffering that is all around me, while I lose myself in beautiful music or in my own little world.
Life would be so much easier and less messy if I could just fill my live with activities I enjoy, concentrate on my family and close friends, and close my heart to the lost. I asked God to never let me be content with my own salvation and joy of belonging to Him to the point that I ignore those around me who don't yet have the assurance of an eternal life with Him or know His peace or simply that He is for them and on their side.
The man's tear stained face on the metro will probably be with me forever, or at least I hope it will.
(By the way, I learned another important lesson that day: You're singing louder than you think when you sing along with your ipod!)
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