Ambiguity

Happy New Year Everyone!

It was exactly a year ago when Jim took a prayer retreat to seek the Lord about our future. It was exactly a year ago when God clearly said to him that it was time to leave France and take our family back to the US. We knew that the primary reason was for Michael's good, but we also knew that God had every member of our family's good at heart, and we knew that He would show us the way forward.

We left France in June. We got back to the US just in time for the economy to bottom out and for the nation to be torn in two over an election. Jobs and opportunities we thought were certain disintegrated and the plans we had made seemed to vanish right before us. All that had been clear to us before became very unclear.

Today we are in Mississippi, still waiting for Him to show us the way forward. We still have dreams in our hearts and still have a burning desire to serve the Lord with all of our lives. There are opportunities, but we are not sure what God is asking us to do. There are some things that we do know: Jim will still be working with the Mission Society and will still pour his life into encouraging and discipling artists. What is not yet clear is where we will settle and exactly what this next season will look like or what is best for Michael or the other kids.

We're seeking God with all of our hearts. Our desire is to serve Him. So we wait and hope and dream. I will be the first to admit that this time of waiting is not easy. I don't like ambiguity. In fact, I hate it. I don't even like suspenseful movies. I always enjoy a movie better when I know how it ends, honestly I do. I was reading a Francine Rivers novel over Christmas and finally had to read the very end so that I could enjoy the book. I don't mind waiting as much as I mind not knowing! So why would God put me in this place of ambiguity?? I'm sure the answer is obvious, He wants me to trust Him in a deeper, bigger way. He's stretching me and asking me to (no actually demanding that I) stay desperate for Him.

So as this new year begins I am reviewing how God has been faithful to us in the past. As I do that, I find myself grieving the fact that I can question or doubt Him...ever. What I know is that He is good, always good. He is a faithful provider, sustainer, lover of my soul. So I'm focusing on who I know Him to be and asking Him to invade my heart once again, to overwhelm me with His presence and His love. When God puts me in a place of uncertainty and removes my props (the things that make me feel secure), I find Him in a new way. He gently draws me close to Himself and reminds me of a tenderness I can have with Him when all else is in the shadows.

So more than I long for Him to show us the way forward, I long for Him to draw us close, to be intimate with us, to be our all in all.

As you begin this new year and you face all that it will bring your way, here is my prayer for us all, above all else:

"May our roots go down deep into the soil of God's marvelous love. And may we have the power to understand, as all God's people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love really is. May we experience the love of Christ, though it is so great we will never fully understand it. Then we will be filled with the fullness of life and power that comes from God." from Ephesians 3

And may our hope never be in an economy or a government or in what we have or do not have. My our faith in Christ never depend on what He gives or doesn't give or allows or does not allow. May our confidence never be in our own ability to provide, to figure things out, or to navigate rough waters.

May 2009 be a year where we find our Savior to be our all in all, the hope of the world!