Control

"I said to the Lord, 'You are my Master! Every good thing I have comes from you.' Lord, you alone are my inheritance, my cup of blessing. You guard all that is mine." Psalm 16: 2,5

These verses have been an overriding theme for me for a while. I'm not sure I still get the full impact that "every good thing I have comes from my Lord" and "He guards all that is mine". But as I've gone through this season of uprooting, trusting, leaving, moving forward (into the complete unknown at times) I have started to understand some things better.

If every good thing I have comes from Him, that means that I don't have what I have because I have worked for it or earned it or even because I deserve it. If HE alone is my inheritance, then it has nothing to do with what I have anyway. He is enough. He is my reward. And if He guards all that is mine, then I am free from fear or worry about what I might lose. I will surely lose things, but never because of something I did or did not do. He is sovereign. He is in control and I am not.

A couple of years ago I was laying in bed and praying about all that I was trusting God for. I don't even remember all that was on my list that night. But I was praying and assuring the Lord that I was trusting Him to provide for all that I had just talked to Him about. Suddenly I had a thought (personally I think it was God whispering to my heart): What if, instead of trusting God to provide all that I need, I trusted instead that what He does provide is all I need. What if following Him and surrendering all to Him has less to do with trusting Him with my list (and how I'm sure things should play out) and more about abandoning all to Him to the point that I spend more time in prayer surrendering to Him and less time filling Him in on how things should happen. That thought changed my life. I felt a freedom that I had never felt before. Even in the chaos and uncertainty of life, it finally felt like there was control and order....and it was all way beyond me and even beyond my ability to understand.

The Bible does tell me to bring my requests to Him and to pray without ceasing, but it also tells me not to be anxious about anything. I guess that means that I bear my heart and soul to Him, even express to Him how I long for things to go and then leave it all in His care, trusting that He guards all that is mine and can be trusted.

So that brings me to today. Today I sit in my own house in Cape Girardeau: one of the things I surrendered long ago was the right to ever own a home again. What a gift and surprise this house is! I started a new job a couple of weeks ago and after 10 months of transition and waiting for God to show us the way forward, He has provided and blessed beyond my wildest dreams. I'm reminding myself to hold all things loosely though, because He still has the right to all that I like to call mine!

Our first weekend here we had a rough start. Rachel's dog, Chandler, had gotten very sick and died in her arms while she was at home alone with him. The very next night I got hit head on by a drunk driver and I was in my friend, Wendy's, van. The EMT told me as he drove me away from the accident that not many people walk away from accidents like that one. And I didn't even have the first bruise.

It reminded me of something Mimi wrote when she had been in a terrible accident her first year back in the States and her first year away from us. She called it "Friday: the day I did not die". Here's what she wrote at the end:

"I think that if anything this feels like a somewhat appropriate culmination of this year. Because the residing theme seemed to be: I am not in control. And: God is.

I am not afraid. and I'm not shaking and I'm not spending time wondering what if. Because although I cannot fully protect the things I own, I know he can. And it's enough.

it all sounds crazy.

So, for now I am grateful that Friday was not the day I died, and that all the days to come have already been seen and are known

and that I do not have"

I'm grateful today for all that God has given me and blessed me with. I'm grateful for the ways He has protected my family and led us, at least for now, to a place of peace and surrounded by an unbelievably loving church. I'm grateful that in times of loss, He upholds us. I'm grateful not to be in control.

But most of all, I'm grateful that HE guards all that is mine. I'm grateful that I can lay all that I love and care about at His feet and trust Him completely. I'm grateful that He knows what is best for me. I'm grateful that no matter what I lose or keep or gain, He is always with me and will never leave me or forsake me. He is my inheritance and nothing on heaven or earth can take that away from me!