New Dreams

I have been drawn to the story of Lazarus lately.  (John 11:1-44)

Even though I haven’t recently experienced an actual death, there have been a series of “deaths” along this journey that we have been on with our Michael.

It started over 20 years ago when we had to die to the dream of a healthy baby and immediately thrown into the world of genetics, hospital stays and surgeries. We had no idea what life would look like for him or for our family, but we knew it would never be the same. We discovered we had deep unspoken dreams that we didn't even know were there. 

Dying to dreams would become a way of life, but with every dream that died there seemed to be a new dream that took its place:

 -Your son will most likely never speak….so we’ll find an alternative form of communication that he will be able to master and let us know what he wants and what is on his heart.

 -Your son will never reach a level of independence to the point that he could live on his own….so he’ll be eccentric Uncle Michael who is different from everyone else we know, but is a lot of fun!

 

-Not many people will "get" your son as his behaviors and appearance become progressively "not normal"....so my family will learn to laugh and take things in stride!

 -The country you are living in does not have what your son needs….so we’ll leave a ministry and people we dearly love and take him home and find what he needs there.

 -Even though your son has multiple issues, he will most likely outlive you and will need longer care than you will probably be able to provide.…so he’ll eventually live with siblings and their families and be just as loved as he is in our home.

 -Your son’s health is getting fragile and we cannot tell you what his future condition will be.…but he has a huge family who loves and adores him unconditionally and will find answers and care for him no matter what.

 -Your son is developing aggressive behaviors that require more than just behavioral plans to solve….so we’ll find a great psychiatrist who will help find answers to give him peace.

 -Your son’s issues are bigger than the behavioral plans and medications we are able to provide….so we’ll find the best hospital in the country and get him the help he needs.

 -Your son’s issues are more complicated than we thought and 4 months won’t be long enough for us to get a plan in place.…so we’ll fight insurance as long as we have to and travel across the country to visit him for as long as it takes.

 -Your son’s aggression is bigger than what you are going to be able to manage at home, even if you hire a full-time staff. He needs more than you can do for him ….so…….soooooo…...so we will find the closest place possible that can care for him and try our best to trust others to do what we long to do ourselves.

 -Your son will need to learn to cope without you, with a certain level of physical pain, to a large degree locked inside his own little world, and for some unknown reason will continue to express himself through aggression with people who know how to manage that and care for him. He will be “ok”, but you don’t get to define or demand what “ok” looks like in his life……..so…….so I can’t seem to find a dream to replace that!

 As I reflect on the story of sisters who lost a brother they dearly loved, I understand their disappointment that Jesus didn’t do what they asked him to do and knew he could have done.

 “But we sent for you in plenty of time!"

"But we know how much you love our brother, and you’ve allowed this to happen! "

"But resurrection and heaven don’t give me a lot of comfort in my grief today!”

 “But I still believe you are who you say you are even though my heart is broken.”

(my paraphrase from John 11)

 It’s interesting to me that, even though Jesus knows that he is going to raise Lazarus from the dead, he doesn’t try to console them with what is about to happen. Instead he is “deeply moved” and weeps with them right where they are in that moment.

 For some reason grief after death is important, even if resurrection is coming.

 Today as Jim and I grieve the loss of deep hopes and dreams, as we miss our son desperately, as we try to trust him to others and not become consumed with worry, we feel Jesus weeping with us. But there is a quiet whisper in my heart that says…..

“But you don’t know what resurrection is going to look like. Go ahead and grieve, it is an important part of the process, but don’t forget that I am who I said I am, and you cannot see what’s coming.”

 I don’t get to define what “ok” looks like for my son, and I don’t get to determine what resurrection looks like in our lives or in his. But I know we have a Savior who does not stay on a cross or leave people grieving at the foot of it.

 I will let him give the new dream when the time is right and trust that he has placed dreams in the heart of my silent son as well.

 And we will hope in the life to come!