I Know All the Facts

The last 2 weeks have been a whirlwind. Jim and I drove 14 hours to Baltimore for Michael's release from Kennedy Krieger and to drive him to St Louis to his new home. We spent 3 days with his staff in Baltimore learning his behavioral plan, talking through meds and transition, etc.

On Wednesday the unit had a Discharge Party for him and there were many tears. After being with him for 8 months, the staff there are happy that he's ready to go, but sad to see him go at the same time. On Thursday we loaded him up and started our drive to St Louis.

We got the beautiful gift of 2 perfect days with him. He never once made an unhappy noise or had an aggressive behavior. He was affectionate, loving, and laughed and danced a lot. I will forever cherish those 2 days with him.

We delivered him to his new home in St Louis on Saturday morning. The day went well as we tried to think of everything we needed to tell them about what he likes and doesn't like, what he likes to eat and doesn't like, filling in the blanks about his behavioral plan, unpacking his things, and simply getting him settled in.

We stayed in town for a few days to help with the transition. We saw them work him through some aggressive behaviors really well and feel great about the team over his care.

So why is my heart breaking and grieving once again? Why do I feel the urge to grab him and run away with him? Why the questions running through my mind about whether this was the right decision.....could I ever at some point done something differently to have put us all in a different place.....? I KNOW all of the right answers to the crazy questions running through my mind, but my heart has not yet caught up.

This is not how I pictured life, even as I adjusted my picture to include disabilities and non-verbal. I never planned on a mental health unit followed by full-time residential care. But the choice, in the end, was not mine. We had to respond to reality and limitations. So here we are.

Last night I was watching my current favorite TV show, Call the Midwife, to take my mind off of the emotional events of the last 2 weeks. On the show, the main doctor's son gets critically ill and ends up attached to an iron lung. As he's rubbing his unconscious child's head, the nurse is telling him the facts; that this is possibly not permanent, he could recover.....

The doctor finally interrupts her and says, "I know all the facts. But just now they are no help to me at all."

He put words to what I'm feeling! I KNOW that Michael is where he should be. I KNOW they are going to take good care of him. I KNOW that God is, has been, and will be faithful. I KNOW that we are in the palm of his hand, all of us. I KNOW this had gotten too big for me to handle or manage.

But today what my head knows is very different than what my heart feels.

So we chose to hope and trust, even through tears.
We chose to believe that God is good amidst things that do not feel good.
We chose to believe that the grand plan is sweet for our silent son.

"So we don't look at the troubles we can see now; rather, we fix our gaze on things that cannot be seen. For the things we see now will soon be gone, but the things we cannot see will last forever."   2 Corinthians 4:18

Pressing On
Angela